My boyfriend and I have been best friends since 7th grade (we are both juniors in college now) and just started dating. It is hands down the best relationship I have ever had. But the sex sucks.
He was a virgin when we started dating so its sorta understandable. But he is so much better when he is drunk. It’s like when he isn’t completely sober he is more wiling to take risks, and have fun. But when he is sober, it’s pretty boring.
How do I tell him to loosen up and what works without shooting down his ego? I really don’t want to hurt his feelings. But I also want better sex…help.
The reason the sex sucks when he’s sober is because he’s letting his head get in the way of his dick. Period. End of story. Mystery solved.
You’re totally right that when he’s drunk he’d be a bit more willing to take some risks and get more passionate. He’s letting his brain drain all the good blood away from where it belongs during this horizontal, or vertical…or diagonal, act. I don’t think that you’re in the danger zone quite yet. This is a perfectly workable situation that you’re in the midst of, so DON’T PANIC!
The harsh reality that rom-coms don’t let you in on is that the person you might have the strongest emotional connection with isn’t always going to be your best sexual partner. In fact, that person often isn’t your best sexual partner. Especially not at first. Especially if they’re a virgin. You’ve hit the daily double but all you win are boring trips on the bottom that become something you’re going to want to avoid at some point in the near future and that will cause an unavoidable confrontation about why in which you will crush his bruised and fragile ego over his lackluster libido which will ruin this relationship, the longstanding friendship you’ve had since 7th grade and tear this bond apart leaving you both with gaping wounds…this all just one possible future, I’m not The Doctor after all. So, how do we sidestep this scenario? Well, we can start with some communication.
In the act you can take some control and tell him what you want. Guide him. Lead him. Tell him what you’re craving. Becoming the aggressor also would help. At least for a few times. The timid ones need you to let them know that going further is allowed. I suggest indulging in one of your fantasies or springing on him. Spontaneity is a great way to go because you don’t give him a chance to over-think and under-perform. Make it fast and dirty and he’ll have to rise to the occasion before he can question what he’s doing and how he’s doing it.
Again, I stress that you’ll need to take charge. And when it’s over, if you’ve managed to get him into a session rocked your world then reinforce it by telling him what rocked your world! Give the man some high marks! This is going to ensure he knows that “this is what she likes, so I better keep doing it.” If he’s still a snore in the sack after all of that then the problem is something you’ll need to address a bit more directly.
It’s understandable to be a bit hesitant when it comes to sexual critique. We get touchy when we feel attacked in area in which we’re vulnerable. And sex is an act that requires us to be vulnerable. We feel more vulnerable naked. We are trusting you won’t twist our dicks when we hand it over. We’re vulnerable, that’s all I’m saying. And being that sex is about pleasure and pleasing not just ourselves but our partners, if we want to be considered Don Juans and Janes, then being defensive can be a natural reaction when we feel threatened. But here’s the thing: if our partner’s not satisfied, sometimes we can tell.
One thing to consider is that he might notice he’s not exactly taking you to Space Mountain when he’s sober. If he does and he isn’t mentioning it then he knows about the problem and is in fact worried about speaking about that-which-we-do-not-speak-of. He could have some insecurity about handling it and might feel a little lost, so addressing it a bit could be a good thing.
It all comes down to communication. You spank him and then you cuddle with him. You let him know what you want and when he does it you let him know you want more. Don’t let your frustration lead you to lashing out and don’t start avoiding having sex with him. But if you must then try to have a perfectly calm conversation about what you’re wanting and ask him what’s missing for him. You’re learning about each other. That requires a bit of teaching and exploring. Do it together, as a partnership, and that’ll make the results all the more mind blowing.
“Kicking that shiznit dog-gy-style,”
The Road Dude Jesse James
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]