I know that when I write these “Confessions” pieces, I try to be as upbeat and positive as I can. I get comments and tweets from many people, telling me that I helped them through something or made them feel less alone. And that just means everything to me. I am so grateful that I get to take pages from my diary, post them online for everyone else to see, and then receive feedback and compliments. I’m a lucky girl. I promise that I am gracious and thankful. I appreciate everyone who reads my stuff, and I want you all to know that as long as you keep reading, I will keep writing. (I’d probably still write, even if no one read though. Let’s be real.)
But even with feedback and compliments, sometimes I still feel lost. Sometimes, I feel so defeated and angry and hopeless. Not even just about this column, but more generally, about my life. I still question why I am doing what I’m doing and where the hell I think I’m going. I question everything and have mini-panic attacks from time to time. I still get super down on myself and wonder, “What the hell did I write that for and who could possibly think that’s exemplary writing?” Even when I bust my butt and truly give it my all, sometimes I just feel I fall short–with this column and with my life. Sometimes, I just can’t get a win.
I’ve been a college grad for almost a year now, and I just can’t seem to find a full-time job. I know that this is a huge struggle for a lot of you guys too. I just want to find a job that I will enjoy and prosper and feel fulfilled at. I don’t want to settle. I don’t want to have to go back to my old part time time and grovel for reemployment. I don’t want to have to keep asking my parents for extra cash when I can’t fill up my gas tank. I don’t want to do any of those things. But when do I get to the point where it’s not about what I want anymore? What do I do when I don’t have a choice anymore? I feel like as the days go by, and I am still unemployed, my wants slowly become less important.
Last week, I got a call from a marketing agency in my area that saw my resume on a job site. They were interested in bringing me in for an interview. I was so thrilled. I have had a couple phone interviews before, but obviously, those did not pan out. So when I got this call, my hopes started to rise. I felt good. I felt like I could be, maybe, possibly, finally getting somewhere. The man on the phone was super nice, and the company seemed totally legit when I checked out their website.
When I told the news to my boyfriend, he was curious as to where it was located. I Googled the company’s name to find out where it was on the map. And that’s when I started to do a little more Googling. I scrolled down the results page to see what other things popped up about this agency. And that’s when I saw it, the fourth link down, a website dedicated to “marketing agency job scams” and the company that I had an interview was featured.
I just cannot get a win.
This is the part of the “Confessions” piece where I would start to tell you guys that even though this incident brought on a bout of discouragement, I shouldn’t feel like crap. But I’m going to be honest, I kind of feel like crap. I can’t sugarcoat it this week.
Every morning, I wake up and apply, apply, apply. I take babysitting jobs and freelancing writing gigs, but that’s not full-time work. That’s not what I need right now to move on with my life—to start a new chapter of my life.
I know that I am a person of value. I know that I am worth a job that brings me fulfillment. I’m just wondering when someone is going to take a chance on me. I’m wondering when my anxiety will subside. I’m wondering when my parents are going to get fed up with me. I feel the pressure beating down on me harder and harder everyday that goes by where I feel like a deadbeat. I feel it in my bones. I spend all day, thinking and planning and hoping.
For anyone out there who feels like me, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Obviously, I know how it feels. I hope it comforts you to know that you’re not alone in feeling like a loser. And it’s not just me on your side. Many of my friends don’t know what the heck they’re doing either. They feel like losers sometimes too.
When I listen to other people’s stories and troubles, I try to make them feel better about their situation. So why can’t I do the same for myself? Even though I feel like I can’t get a win, I know that every single day, I am actually a winner.
I have amazing friends that I can always call to talk to. Win.
I have a boyfriend who loves me. Win.
I have parents who are gracious and supportive. Win.
I get to write for CollegeCandy about almost anything. Win.
I have a pantry full of food. Win.
I have clean water to drink. Win.
I’m alive. Win.
So I guess even though sometimes things don’t work out, and sometimes, life throws curveballs that are almost impossible to hit–we still get some wins. I know that I don’t have a full-time job right now, but I know that I will eventually. I have faith in the fact that even though I just can’t seem to get a win, I’m going to be okay. You’re going to be okay too. And I know I said that I wasn’t going to get all “positive vibes, man” and inspirational on you guys this week, but I guess I just can’t help it.
Katie recently finished her undergrad at North Central College in Naperville, Illinois. She enjoys wasting hours on Facebook and tweeting things no one cares about. When asked the question, “Do you do marathons?” She promptly responds, “Of course! Which show?” Follow her @KatieGarrity! Or read her personal blog where she talks incessantly about Ryan Gosling and hummus here!