Some NYU Law students were karaoke-ing too hard (Is that possible, have you heard me sing Ginuwine’s “Pony” after 3 cosmos? It’s amazing.). The result of this “most mortal sin” was an angry neighbor public shaming the tenants by writing a mean email and sending it to the entire NYU Law student body, which of course ended up on the internet.
Is it really public shaming if they don’t name the actual students? Like, dude, get your revenge in order. Do you think Blair Waldorf would ever send an e-mail to get sweet vengeance upon a poor soul? I mean, yes, she sent many emails outing people to Gossip Girl/Dan Humphrey/Lonely Boy/Smelly Dude but still she knew how to plan a scheme!
When I used to throw Nair filled water balloons off of buildings at girls I hated I made sure I used the Nair for the body and not for the face because that kind was stronger (I have a sordid past). Amber is no fool. Don’t mess with Amber. Get your ducks in a row before you decide to write a snarky email otherwise the jokes on you, bro.
Anyway, here’s the email.
Date: Fri, Aug 30, 2013 at 4:20 AM
Subject: An Open Letter to the Occupants of Mercer #[redacted]
To: Law School Exchange<firstname.lastname@example.org>
It is now 4:20 a.m. on a Friday morning. You got back from what I assume was Bar Review about a half-hour ago, at which point we embarked on a musical journey through some of the worst drunken music taste and singing abilities this unfortunate soul has had the misfortune of enduring. At first I assumed it was only an after-party, which for a while progressed to karaoke, the most mortal of sins, but now based on the cacophony and number of sources of noise I’m convinced you just have a 10 piece drum set and your friends all brought amps over for band practice. This was not my first route. I spent 5 minutes standing outside your door knocking, [to] no avail. I was just down at the front desk telling him of my strife, and apparently the best he could do was send a porter when one became available. That was 15 minutes ago now. Since I’m clearly not getting to sleep any time before you, I figure that my best option to round out the night was a good-old-fashioned public [shaming].
I really didn’t want to do this, but seriously. I knocked really loudly, and for a long time. And you’re just being the most phenomenally outrageous a**holes right now. So f**k you, sir.
Your music is awful. Whatever frat house your deficiently developed super-senior ass was finally kicked out of after university policy mandated you leave clearly had the right idea, and if it were up to me I would do the same. Unfortunately you apparently somehow bought your way into another 3 years at NYU, where apparently you were also able to pick up some expensive speakers, much to my and the building’s chagrin. In all of our interests of peaceful coexistence, sleep, and avoiding frivolous litigation, I implore you: shut the fuck up.
I have 9:00 AM class, you dick.
If someone sent me this email I would fry their hamster up with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.