So everyone knows all about premature ejaculation and how much it sucks. Missy Elliott wrote a masterpiece about minute men. There are countless articles giving guys advice about how to avoid it and what to do when it happens. Tons of women have awkward stories about guys who were definitely sprinters as opposed to marathoners. But there’s an inverse to this problem – the guy who can’t or doesn’t come in a timely fashion.
I am dating a guy who falls into the latter category. When we first started dating, I had an extremely difficult time coming to terms with his inability to come with a partner. When we first started dating, I was so inexperienced but ready to come into my own as an sexual adult woman who has the prowess to keep a man interested. I’d do my best to be as enthusiastic and skillful as possible during all of our sex acts, and it was a major blow to my ego to not receive positive physical feedback. I mean, I internalized the idea that guys were easy to please, and that if a guy didn’t come, that was a pretty poor reflection of his partner’s skills. It was incredibly demoralizing and confidence-breaking to constantly fail at this allegedly easy task.
My boyfriend’s delayed ejaculation is caused by medication he takes to manage his mental health. He has been on this medication for as long as he has been sexually active, so he has never had a typical partner-assisted orgasm. Knowing that I wasn’t alone, that even women who were more experienced and arguably more sexy than I was, failed to get him off gave me more comfort than it probably should. Also, though I’m no psychologist, it seems pretty likely that since his sex life started after he was able to get his anxiety and depression under control, it’s likely that his delayed ejaculation is kind of intrinsically linked to his mental stability. And the fact that he can come via masturbation (which still takes awhile) is because he’s been doing it for so long that it’s pretty much second nature. It’s hard to sustain being upset about not being able to bring him to orgasm when I contextualize it within the framework of his mental health. I do strongly believe in the connection between mind and body and the effects that has on sex, so it would be disgustingly hypocritical for me to not be understanding of this.
Not to mention, it’s pretty great to know that in theory, the boy and I could engage in tantric play (I mean, I have no interest in it, but it’s nice to have options). Moreover, I really appreciate that I’ve had to confront this issue, because I definitely have a more nuanced and compassionate view of male sexuality. A lot of masculinity is wrapped up in sexual performance, and to be deviant in any way can be difficult very difficult terrain to navigate. Coupled with our society’s excessive focus on reaching orgasm leads to sex being more angsty than necessary. There’s just way too much emphasis played on orgasming, and I believe it’s more detrimental than encouraging, and I speak as a woman who can orgasm almost comically easily. It’s far more important to be in the moment and enjoy your partner and the sensations than it is to reach this one milestone. Sex is like watching a TV show – dramatic season finales are awesome, but the best part is becoming invested in the characters and watching everything unfold.