CONSPIRACY! The Yale Administration Murdered All The Squirrels

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The squirrels are missing! The squirrels are missing! The squirrels at Yale have been genocide’ed. A Yale senior emailed Gawker with a conspiracy theory that the Yale administration had “removed” (murdered, obviously) all of the squirrels on campus.

Here is the email:

“I’d like to remain anonymous, but I also want to let you know about something going on at Yale. It appears that the administration paid to have all the squirrels on campus killed over the summer.

There are no squirrels left at Yale.

As students have begun to realize the genocide that has taken place, they are rising up, enraged and disgusted. Numerous student publications are racing to uncover the scandal, but so far there has been no official statement. Continued fury and uprising is expected.”

What does one do when an entire administration is keeping their lips sealed on Squirrelgate? The Yale Daily News reports that squirrels have long been a menace to society, gangsters rummaging through ramen noodles and pooping Sparknotes pamphlets.

No one at the university has officially commented leaving students outraged and puzzled. WHAT WOULD PETA THINK? I wouldn’t eat the tacos at Yale for a while . . .

[Shutter Stock / Mark Caunt]

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