3 Ways To Deal With Being Confronted With a Kink You’re Not Into [Sexy Time]

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So I was watching a Sex and the City rerun the other day (because how original is it to begin a sex column with a SATC reference, right?). It was the episode where Carrie’s politician boyfriend expressed an interest in golden showers and Carrie was not into it at all. Being able to navigate awkward conversations with your partner is a really important skill. It takes courage to open up about fantasies and being sympathetic and not freaking out when someone reveals something you find unappealing is key to diminishing the awkwardness.

What Carrie did was actually a really good strategy. When she told her beau she wasn’t into being peed on, she offered up an alternative (pouring warm tea on him instead). Coming up with a creative compromise shows that you’re not totally closed to experimenting with new things and you’re willing to explore your boundaries with your partner. For example, if your boo wanted to handcuff you to the bed, you could suggest that instead of using handcuffs, they just hold your wrists with their hands. They still get some of the element of control, but it’s easier for you to wriggle free if you need to (this is assuming you’re comfortable and trust your partner to not take advantage of you in this vulnerable position, of course).

You could also use the opportunity to share one of your fantasies and perhaps experiment with that. Even if you decline your partner’s kink, putting one of yours out there places you in the same position they were in. It becomes a bonding experience when you’re creating a shared vulnerable space. That’s a really intimate thing to do, and that in and of itself is a turn-on for a lot of people. Not to mention, it’s quite possible your partner would be interested in your kink and willing to try it out, so that’s clearly a win.

If you’re just really not into exiting your comfort zone, you can just say no without any of the above-suggested compromises. Saying something like, “I love that you feel comfortable enough to share this with me, but I’m not into that. I think our sex life is amazing the way it is now.” If you’re going to shoot someone you care about down, it’s best to soften the blow with sincere compliments.

Basically, if someone says something sensitive to you, be nice about it. Don’t freak out and make them feel depraved and disgusting. Someone’s kinks generally are not a reflection of their moral character and just because someone’s into something weird doesn’t mean they deserve to be treated rudely. That being said, no one is entitled to any sex act, so don’t be afraid to assert your boundaries as many times as you need to. If someone is bratty and whiny because you won’t indulge their fantasies the way they want you to, that’s their problem, and definitely a valid deal breaker. Mutual respect is super important, and you don’t have to put up with anyone who doesn’t realize that.

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