How to Hook Up When You Live in a Tiny Dorm Room with Roommates

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It’s not easy living in New York City unless you’re Gwyneth Paltrow or Derek Jeter. This is a sad truth I’ve come to internalize over the course of my college career here on the hard streets of Manhattan. While we have world class museums, 73 million different brunch spots and shopping that would make your head spin (and your bank account deplete), the living accommodations themselves are pretty rough.

I go to FIT with a whole slew of fashionable girls and fabulous gay guys. While there are some straight guys in the mix, you can imagine the competition for their attention is pretty stiff. And that’s if they don’t already have a girlfriend. I’ve found that on the nights I happen to meet a promising guy out at the bar, I really have no choice: he doesn’t go to my school, he usually lives on the other side of town…guess he’s gotta come back to my place. Did I mention I live with two other girlswho often employ the same logic when orchestrating a hook up?

Three girls, One Room. No, this isn’t the next porno to go viral on the Internet — it’s the situation I’m faced with at least once a month. When you’re sharing a room with another person (or people), it’s nearly impossible to get a little private time for…private activities. (That means sex.)

It just so happens, however, that because I’ve been sharing a room for most of my sexually active life, I’m kinda a pro at getting some while also being respectful of my roomies. Here are my favorite tips for having sex in a small, shared room. Because nothing could be more romantic than doggy style in a bunk bed.

Sleep Out, or Settle for Less than Sex

If you know you’re going out and your roommate is staying in, ask yourself how likely you are to meet Mr. Perfect For Tonight. If you think the odds are good, consider bringing stuffing an extra pair of undies and toothbrush into your clutch. It might just be smarter to stay at his place this time. If it’s absolutely impossible to stay with him, consider a night of innocent spooning at your place instead of balls to the wall sexcapades.

Headphones Are Your BFF

If your roommate happens to be the one sucking face with a handsome stranger a mere three feet away from your bed, find yourself a good pair of headphones and turn to the wall. If sex isn’t happening, it’s not too creepy to stay in the room. This is college, after all. If you didn’t hear it, it didn’t happen.

Make a Sex Calendar

Turn getting laid into a sick, twisted, roommate bonding game! If you’re all single ladies, assign everyone particular nights or weeks that are deemed “theirs”. When it’s your designated time, you’re allowed to bring someone back to the room. The understanding is that, should you find a sleeping buddy, the other girl(s) have alternate sleeping plans already set up. Whether they crash on the couch in a common space, sleep with a friend down the hall, or merely hang out somewhere else until you’re done getting yours — it simplifies the process greatly. Likewise, when it’s not your designated time, you can’t bitch when you get kicked out of your room for the night.

Accept “No” for an Answer

There are bound to be some nights where you text your roomie at 2:30AM asking if she minds if you bring a guy home and she tells you she’s got an exam in the morning and just really needs a night of real sleep. It’s your duty as a decent human being to respect her wishes and tell your guy that either a) you’re going to his place or b) it’s just not going to happen tonight.

Those are my go-to guidelines for navigating the sexual waters of dorm life! What tips do you and your roommates rely on? Tell me in the comments!!

[Lead image via Andrey_Popov/Shutterstock]

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