Let’s all be adults for a second and admit to watching porn. It happens, sometimes by accident. I remember HBO used to air those scandalous late night movies starting as early as 10pm, which was basically when the good movies 13 year-old Molly wanted to watch ended. So yeah, I’ve seen some things. In all of these movies there is a woman screaming, at the top of her lungs, something completely ridiculous.
Listen to me carefully: I do not want you to be those women.
Dirty talk is delicate. It can go from really hot to really awkward in less than a second. Remember that episode of Friends? Ross is trying to talk dirty to a date and all he ends up saying is “vulva.” I don’t want you to be that person either. But I understand, it’s hard. And you’re shy.
So here it is, the shy girl’s guide to dirty talk.
1. Down a shot. Do not get drunk. A shot will loosen those lips a little bit and get you less nervous. But please don’t be sloppy and drunk. You will look stupid.
2. Set the mood! Do what you need to feel sexy. I have a Spotify playlist called “Release the Tigress” that I listen to when I get ready for a night out. It puts me in the best mood. For me, it’s bad 80’s music like “Cherry Pie” and “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” For you, it might be red wine and chocolate. Do whatever it is that makes you feel like the sex kitten that you are. Meow.
3. Start slow. Say things feel good. Talk about things you like, but talk when you’re not vulnerable. Talk when you’re fully clothed sitting in a car. Say you like it when he nibbles on your ear. Keep it PG13.
4. Turn up the heat. When you start feeling the urge to say something a little more risque, just turn up the heat a little. Maybe moan or let out a “yes.” Compliment him physically. I’m not talking about his abs. Heyoo.
5. The Big Lebowski. This is when you get really vocal. You’ll closely resemble some of the dirty movies you watched, however you will be genuine and excited and it will come so naturally you won’t even feel embarrassed. Chances are your guy is gonna love how vocal you are. They like knowing they’re doing a good job.
That is ladies! Super simple. Any lusty sexual encounter can be done right if you communicate. Starting slow will help ease the nervousness but once you get the hang of it you’ll be “vulva-ing” no more.
Thank me later.
Molly is a senior journalism/English major at a school you haven’t heard of in a state you haven’t heard of. She’s obsessed with Chandler Bing, English bulldogs, and cheese. Follow her on twitter @gwacamolly.
[Lead image via ollyy/Shutterstock]