On Who You Are vs. Who People Tell You You Are [Dear DBN]

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DateByN_Lead

We always want people to like us for who we truly are, but who are we to say who that is?  This week, how to relax into yourself and enjoy the ride.

“I’ve never even been kissed, and I’m 23 years old. When is the right time to reveal my sexual inexperience, like on the first date?”

The only time one could call the right time is whenever, if ever, you are comfortable sharing it.  Ain’t nobody’s business but your own.

I understand the impulse to share your sexual experience, but for what reason? Because you fear they’ll judge you? Or because you want to make sure they take their time? Make sure you are approaching this because you care about your own experiences and remember that a lot of these experiences come naturally.  You’re a human. You’re built for it. We’ve been figuring it out by trial-and-error for…ever.  You want this person to take it slow? Then ask for it, but you don’t ever need to justify that if you don’t want to. People live at different speeds, and the respectful people will let you merge in at whatever speed suits you.

You have a lot of exciting things to look forward to. Don’t let your inexperience rattle you with anxiety, instead, just get on the rollercoaster and know that it’s designed to bring you safely back into the station without you ever having to tell the person sitting next to you that you’ve never ridden one.  Unless, of course, you want to.

“Although I am very confident about most facets of my character, I always worry that any guy who’s attracted to me is only paying attention to my appearance. Any advice on how to get myself past this?”

Once I complained to a dear friend that a guy I had met was only interested in me because I’d just spent the past six months living out of sail bags in the Caribbean. I said he didn’t even know me, and he just liked what he thought he knew about me. My friend, pausing to choose her words, said, “but that is you.”

Think about the last time you truly liked someone, when you were just blindly enamored by their existence. Did you walk around with flash cards listing all the reasons you liked them? Of course not. But was their appearance one of the reasons? Probably. People are going to be drawn to you for all sorts of reasons, and in a dark room across the bar, your beauty is probably the first one.

The onus here is on you to make sure you’re choosing people who have more to offer than their own vanity. You can feel the difference between some looking at you like a piece of meat and someone looking at you like you’re made of dreams. Just remember that looks are part of those dreams.  You’re not pieces of yourself.  You’re a multi-faceted beautiful and compelling creature – let them like everything.

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