There’s a Fifty Shades of Grey, Christian Grey Merman Christmas Ornament which presumably is also available for Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Ramadan. The regular price is $35.00 but if you act now you can get the sexiest merman ornament for just $28.00. According to the description, your sexy Christian Grey sea dweller is, “Hand painted and glittered,” and a studly 7 inches tall.
Look at that chest hair. It’s like, damn, I don’t normally want to have intercourse with ornaments but his mandingo is so life-like, you know? It’s like damn, I typically would not spend more than $1.99 on a Christmas ornament but I did not know an ornament that is both hand painted and glittered could perfectly capture the beauty of a fictional character from an erotic, S&M fan fiction novel. I’m like damn, Mer-Christian, you don’t have to tease me by just revealing a tiny bit of that body under that business casual button down. How do you look so effortlessly handsome and majestically aquatic? $28.99? What a steal. What a, fucking, steal.
After wanting to marry an acrylic ornament for the first time and possibly awakening some sort of sexual preference I have for sea creatures, I decided to make a merman of my own . . . Jamie Dornan, the real Christian Grey, unless he decides to quit the film like everyone else. But for now this is the only merman we need, AMIRITE?
But if Mer-Christian Grey isn’t your type there’s a merman for all your weird aquatic. Mmmm.