Justin Bieber released his latest single, “PYD” featuring R. Kelly (every mundane pop singer’s best accessory). “PYD” stands for put you down, so just to be clear, if the lyrics don’t spell it out for you Justin Bieber is very, highly sexually active. Worst of all, Justin Bieber has a penis that he uses for R-rated things. Gross. Gross. Gross.
The song begins, “From the door to the wall /Coffee table girl get ready/I’mma put you down,” I imagine Justin and I have returned from a long brunch that creeped into the evening. I assume he is going to fit the bill and try to sneak away but he invites me back to his hotel and oblige because I want to see how big his room is anyway, plus he paid and I have to pretend to be nice to him because I want more free stuff. He proceeds to try to put me down, I proceed to live tweet the incident to my followers.
It’s hard to hear the young Biebs coo out words like, “From the stove to the countertop, dining-room table, are you ready?” Like, ready for what? A delicious souffle? I certainly hope you’re bringing my a souffle—oh my god, it’s your dick!
“Up the stairs to my bedroom, light a few candles brace yourself,” he says. I will have to brace myself because I will be trying not laugh and take your weird child face and buff man body seriously. Oh, it’s just so hard, though. Just go get me that souffle, Justin!
“On a plane, a train, an automobile doesn’t matter /I’mma put you down.” It does matter, Justin. There’s paparazzi everywhere! Think this through!
“Ooh, ’cause you deserve the best and nothing but the best /So I give you the best you’ve ever had.” Selena told me she has had better, to be frank.
Then R. Kelly jumps in singing, “Cause I’ve been doing forensics on your body in this club /Now I can tell the way you walking body ain’t been touched the right way,” and I have to wonder are these two men serenading each other? After all, it is a duet about doing it. That would make the song way better, tbh.