Being friendzoned – when a person develops romantic feelings for someone, but the other person only sees the relationship as just being friends, according to Urban Dictionary – had to be one of the hugest ego crushers that I experienced this year. I think that I’ve grown more confident as a person and as a dater. Sure, there are things that I still need to work on, but I love the fact that I can be up front and direct about my feelings for a guy that I’m feeling. So when Mitt friendzoned me after an entire summer of late night texts and cute compliments, I was a little bit hurt.
Searching for some consolation, I asked my council of girlfriends about their thoughts on the friendzone. My friend Tasia is an advocate for maintaining the friendship no matter what happens. Whenever something goes wrong with a guy that I’m talking to (which, in case you haven’t been reading, is every time), she always suggests that I at least try to keep things friendly. Which is fair in a sense. But I know me, and I know that I can’t do that. The friendzone is dangerous territory for someone who has genuine feelings for the other party. It’s like the friendzoner is dangling all of their awesome qualities in front of the friendzonee’s face like a carrot. Hey, I don’t want to be your boyfriend, but let’s continue to hang out and talk so that you can see what you’ll never ever get. It sucks.
I’m really trying to look at dating in the most cut and dry manner possible. I’m trying not to read into things too much and take the things that my crushes say and do at face value. Being placed in the friendzone was okay…for a minute. There was the far-off possibility that Mitt would change his mind and see that I was worth the wait. Yeah, we were in different states…but wasn’t I at least worth getting to know? Wasn’t I at least worth a phone call and a text every now and then, rather than a sporadic text twice a month? I felt weird getting mad at him or even approaching him about his sucky behavior because after all, we were just friends. And getting mad would be stepping outside of my mandated friendzone boundaries. I think that Mitt felt that he didn’t need to be consistent because of that. In Mitt’s world, friends don’t have to text daily or weekly. Friends don’t have to call. Friends can talk about other girls (or guys) that they’re dating. Friends can flirt openly without real meaning attached to it. Friends can send mixed signals and feel no remorse because after all, the other party shouldn’t read too much into it…because they’re just friends. Nothing more and nothing less. I think that that’s bs…in the friendliest way possible.
If you’re doing relationship-y things over a long time with someone who has no hopes of beginning a real relationship, then it’s a friendship that might not even be worth cultivating. Being placed in the friendzone simply means that you’re a great person – or an “amazing woman” as Mitt once called me – but you’re not worth the time or effort to make something meaningful work, or you’re just not for them. And that’s fine. What is meant to be will be. But why waste that emotional energy with someone who knows that you care deeply for them as they simply opt to gloss over those feelings because they don’t want to address them? Men know what they want. And when they see it or get a sense of it, they’ll do everything in their power to make it theirs. If a man doesn’t want me, there’s no convincing him otherwise…and he doesn’t deserve my friendship in the meantime.
CollegeCandy, what are your thoughts on the friendzone?
When she’s not watching for Blue Ivy sightings or doing some serious Facebook creeping, Khalea moonlights as a print journalism major at the REAL HU, Howard University. Follow her on Twitter at @letsbeKHAlear, or feel free to Twatch. Whatever works for you.