Countdown to “The Bachelor”: Judging the Best and Worst of This Season’s Women

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THE BACHELORETTE - AFTER THE FINAL ROSE - Juan Pablo Galavis, the sexy single father from Miami, Florida, is ready to find love. He'll have his own opportunity to find his wife and stepmother to his daughter when he stars in the 18th edition of "The Bachelor" which returns in January of 2014 on the ABC Television Network. The identity of the new "Bachelor" was revealed tonight on the "The Bachelorette - After the Final Rose." (ABC/Matt Petit)

JUANUARY IS UPON US.

You guys, it’s almost that time. In less than a week, Juan Pablo will grace our screens with his adorable accent, crazy bod, and a lot of roses!

When looking through the contestants’ bios for some background information… It was hard to find people I enjoyed. I’m sure filling out these questionnaires isn’t easy, or maybe I’m too judgy. Either way, most of these were pretty brutal to go through.

But, because I love Juan Pablo and I want him to find happiness, I have to like some of these girls, right? Here are my favorite 3 ladies this season, and my least favorite 4. It was really, really hard to narrow it down to 4. If y’all are in the mood for a good laugh—I highly recommend checking out these bios. Side note, about 5 of them put Home Alone 2 as their favorite movie. What’s that all about?

Anyways…

Here are my top 3 Mrs. Juan Pablo Contenders:

1. Valerie

Valerie believes that a marriage means: “trusting your life with someone else. Trusting and sharing, no more independent. It’s a friendship that you promise to make work forever.” And I like this. Valerie doesn’t buy into any of that soul mate bullshit that so many of the other girls answered. Marriage is partly about finding your soulmate I guess (if you believe in that kind of thing)… But mostly it’s about choosing a person to spend the rest of your life with. And to work on that life. Respect!

The two things she would bring on a desert island would be her best friend (even though she said her best friend would be pissed at her for it) and a long book… like the Bible or the Dictionary. A dictionary?? Hilarious.

Also she claims Tough Mudder as the most outrageous thing she’s ever done—which is pretty bad ass. Valerie, you can stay.

2. Kelly.

Her occupation is a dog lover. So there’s that.  Like she loves dogs she sees so much she gets paid? Or is she being funny? Or is this just what she spends most of her time doing so she listed it as her occupation? Whatever, my new job is a Pizza Lover.

But really, we like Kelly because the third thing on her bucket list is that she’s destined to be a mother and a wife. Juan Pabs needs this, and really I’m looking out for him. Also I need to learn what a dog lover is.

3. Lauren S.

You guys!! So much Lauren S.

She’s a music composer. Not only does she have a real job, but an interesting job! Also, she’s from Detroit. I hope she still lives in Detroit and is a part of the make Detroit better movement—I love that shit.

It only gets better, you guys. She says the most romantic gift she ever received was a VEGETABLE CHOPPER. Because she loves making stir fry! This is great. I know it seems weird, but thoughtful gifts really are the very best gifts in life. And it’s great for a woman to appreciate it as romantic. Y’all know Lucy would just see this as lame. Ugh, Lucy.

In 5 years she sees herself more fulfilled with her career, her own business, and with kids! Helllloooo! And she’s working on her 5th and 6th albums. I can’t. Love ya!

Bottom 4 Mrs. Juan Pablo Contenders:

1. Andi.

Alright, so when asked about the most ridiculous thing she’s ever done she said:  “That’s tough – either getting a murderer convicted in 8 minutes or climbing the Leaning Tower of Pisa.” Wait, wait, wait… What? Your greatest accomplishment is either a murder conviction in under 10 minutes or climbing a public building? These are our options? One of these is an accomplishment, the other is just a thing literally anyone can do. You’re weird.

Also, where does she see herself in 5 years? She actually makes a point to say she USED to think married with kids, but now she’s just “Seeing where life takes me.” She does know she’s on a show to find a husband. And Juan Pabs already has a daughter. Right?

2. Clare.

So… When asked who Clare admires the most she answered: “I admire the nobodies of the world that lead selfless lives.  The ones you don’t hear gloating about their accomplishments.”

Yikes, Clare. Yikes. So you like selfless people… But also classify them as nobodies… This one really got to me. I have no comment.

Second, she’s never been on a vacation. Like, ever. And she blames this on never being in a relationship. I tend to not trust people who have never taken a vacation. I get maybe you haven’t had time to take a month off and travel Europe, but how about a road trip? Maybe a camping trip? Something to expand your perspective on the world? Also, single people can go on vacations too. Like, that’s actually allowed.

One final awesome Clare quote… When asked if she’s a romantic she said: “I’ve never been one to be romantic.  It’s hard for me because I’ve never experienced romance.  I wish I was.” Excuse me while I go listen to Bon Iver and cry in my room alone. Jesus.

3. Lucy.

I dislike Lucy about as much as I love Lauren S.

First: Her occupation is a FREE SPIRIT. Also she says her best friend is Kate Upton, and she admires her most in the world.

Second: Lucy doesn’t only like to be the center of attention, but she says she DESERVES to be because she is everything. #wickednothumblebrag.

Third: Just to top off the fact that she thinks she’s everything, when asked if she could be anyone else for a day who would she be and why she stated: “why would I ever want to be anyone but myself?”

That literally made me laugh out loud. She is the worst. Stay away, Juan!!

4. LACY.

Sorry y’all, Lacy is so bad I just couldn’t ignore her.

She lists her occupation as a NURSING HOME OWNER, which I obviously have some questions about. I need her to stay at least a couple of weeks so I can find out the story behind this. You’re 25. You are telling me you found the equity, and decided that the best thing you could do with this money was buy a NURSING HOME? This can’t be real.

Not to mention, her worst date memory is going to Disney with her date and his daughter. So, that’s a good sign for a soon to be step mom.

While it was hard to narrow it down– these are my faves and least faves, purely on bios. Only a few short days left until we can finally meet Juan and his ladies!

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