So’Unique Miracle Is First Baby Born In 2014

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sounique miracle randle

So’Unique Miracle Randle is the first baby born in 2014 and resides in Lubbock. I know what you’re thinking: how do you pronounce So’Unique? Well, I think phonetically it’s something like: sew-FUH-king-stew-PED or wuht-DEE-ack-chu-all-FUK.

I don’t know how I would not immediately suck a bag of penises on video tape for money or star in a reality show about competitive pizza fetishes or become a musical child prodigy or something else absolutely preposterous when my parents have given me the most asininely, ridiculous name of the 21st century.

Look, I get that you want your kid to be special but they will be, “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” and all that shit applies to everyone. When this girl is summa cum laude at Harvard and they read her name, when she wins that Academy Award, when she claims that Nobel Peace Prize, we will all be giggling like immature children. I’m naming my kid Dildo Lasagna Reynolds so then she can come out with a clever line of lasagna scented dildos and be rich $$$.

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