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F The National Velveeta Shortage, Make Your Own Velveeta

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Make your own Velveeta! The national Velveeta shortage has many nasty Americans who eat nasty American cheese pooping their pants because the Super Bowl is coming up and that is a pivotal  opportunity in one’s life to eat nasty American cheese. Well we said folk that shift! We will not be without our nasty cheese! We need that sodium! No nasty processed cheese with my Super Bowl?! Not in my ‘Merica!

When Ad Age reporter E.J. Schultz, wrote that, “reports of a [Velveeta] shortage at a few East Coast grocery stores,” the magazine contacted Kraft Foods to find out what the dealio was. “Given the incredible popularity of Velveeta this time of year, it is possible consumers may not be able to find their favorite product on store shelves over the next couple of weeks,” Kraft spokeswoman Jody Moore. There was a a plant issue now we can’t have nasty cheese! OR CAN WE?

Over at CollegeCandy.com we figured some incredibly motivated psychopath on Pinterest must have a recipe for this shit and BEHOLD—we were fucking correct. This shit takes 3 and a half hours to make so I hope you have a lot of free time and some gelatin lying around.

INGREDIENTS:

1½ teaspoons unflavored gelatin
1 tablespoon water
12 ounces Colby cheese, shredded fine (about 3 cups)
1 tablespoon whole dry milk powder
1 teaspoon salt
⅛ teaspoon cream of tartar
½ cup + 2 tablespoons whole milk

DIRECTIONS:

1. Line a 5×4-inch disposable aluminum loaf pan with plastic wrap, using enough so that excess hangs over the sides.

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2. Sprinkle the gelatin over the water in a small cup and let sit until the gelatin softens, about 5 minutes.

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3. Meanwhile, pulse together the shredded cheese, dry milk powder and cream of tartar in a food processor until combined, about 3 pulses.

4. Bring the milk to a boil in a small saucepan. Remove from heat and immediately whisk in the softened gelatin until it is completely dissolved and the mixture is smooth.

5. Turn the food processor on so it is running, then slowly add the hot milk mixture to the cheese mixture until smooth, about 1 minute, scraping down the bowl as needed.

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6. Immediately transfer the cheese to the prepared pan. Working quickly, pack the cheese firmly into the loaf pan to eliminate most air pockets, then smooth the top. Fold the overhanging plastic tightly against the surface of the cheese and refrigerate for at least 3 hours. The cheese can be stored in the refrigerator, wrapped tightly in plastic wrap, for up to 1 month.

There you go. But seriously, guys, who doesn’t love some motherfucking Velveeta?! You can thank Brown Eyed Baker for this incredible effort and recipe.

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