What Should I Know If I’m New to the Slut Game? Ask a Slut!

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Dear Slut,

Over the winter break, I broke up with my boyfriend from back home. I’m a freshman and this will be my first “single in college” semester, so I really want to live it up. My ex was the first and only guy I’ve ever slept with (or had any sort of sexual relationship with), so I guess you can say my experience level is pretty basic. Don’t laugh, but my goal this semester is to change that. I want to learn more about myself and what I want in future relationships by giving myself a few months of guilt-free experimentation time.

What advice do you have for an aspiring slut? Is there a way to keep emotions out of hooking up, or is that a doomed mission? And how do I even go about meeting guys and letting them know that (without sounding like a total bitch), I just want to use them for sex?

Sincerely,

Not a Girl, Not Yet a Slut

Dear Aspiring Slut,

First and foremost, congrats on shedding your high school sweetheart! Nobody likes the girl crying at the corner of the bar with mascara all over her face bumbling about how she misses her boyfriend. You are on the right track. Welcome to the free for all fucking marathon that is college; I think you are going to like it.

With regards to your question about how to live a slutty guilt-free lifestyle, the short answer is stop thinking about it and just do what you want to do. Girls tend to analyze things from all angles which can be beneficial in many ways, but a total drag when it comes to casual sex. If you go into it thinking you’re going to be having a briefing before each sexual encounter to inform the guy that you don’t want to date, then you’ve got another thing coming. This isn’t about discussing a game plan and setting boundaries (that’s boyfriend shit) — it’s about being spontaneous. You are going to go to bars or parties, tequila will probably be involved and you may have to walk home the next day with your heels on and your hair a total mess (this is called the walk of shame or, as I call it, the walk of victory). Don’t think with your head, think with your pussy. I know that seems crass but it is the most simple way to put it.

On the flip-side, I also wouldn’t focus on keeping emotions out of it. You aren’t going to turn into a hardcore detached fucking machine overnight and you shouldn’t want that; emotions will always play a part in sex even if it’s a one night stand. The trick is not to confuse your lust or infatuation for a new partner as a genuine connection. When I get all psycho stalker girl over a new guy I find the best thing to snap out of it is to think, “is he thinking the same thing about me” or “what if one of my friends was acting this way, would I tell her to calm the fuck down?” Once you make yourself an outsider to the situation things become more clear just through the power of logic. Again, don’t worry or dwell on what emotions are appropriate to feel; but be wary when you hear yourself talking and you sound bat shit insane. It happens to the best of us.

Since this is you’re first time dipping you’re toe into the whore pond; let me give you some other practical tips and warnings:

1. People can be into some weird shit sexually. I’m talking choking, skull fucking, having sex in the library, trying to put it in your butt, threesomes, gang bangs…the list goes on. Don’t be totally closed off to kink because you think it’s strange (it’s not, everybody is a freak) but don’t ever let somebody do something that you are completely not comfortable with. Just because you are this newly liberated woman doesn’t mean guys can’t demean you and cross your boundaries (unless you like being humiliated, but that’s a whole other topic).  If a guy does push you too far, you have full authority to donkey kick him off you (and, yes, I have totally done that). Get your freak on, but don’t do something that’s going to upset you and ruin the experience, because sex is supposed to be fun.

2. Wear condoms!!! And don’t let guys who have cold sores anywhere near you, because that is just asking to get herpes. If a guys says he can totally pull out tell him to totally go home and jerk off. Just the tip is never just the tip. And if you do mess up and have unprotected sex, make him pay for the morning after pill, have brunch with your girlfriends and then get tested in a month or so (I am sure you will be fine, we all make mistakes, but don’t make it a habit).

3. Play nice with other girls. People talk shit, it always happens. “Bad girls” have more fun, and as a nouveau slut you might encounter some nastiness from your frienemies. Brush it off and always elevate yourself from their petty bullshit. Don’t engage, and kill them with kindness. Remember, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Small minds discuss people.” I’m sure I’ve been called a cum dumpster behind closed doors, but does it bother me? Not at all! Because at the end of the day, everybody enjoys a whore, nobody enjoys a bitch.

In closing, young slut. Have a blast, don’t worry or over-think things and don’t give a shit what people have to say. Oh! You should watch porn; it shows you how to give great blow jobs (remember, eye contact). Trust me on that one.

Xoxo,

Andrea

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