How to Tell if You’re His Potential Girlfriend or Just His Hook-Up Buddy

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Here we go again. Another girls’ night turns into a long-winded discussion about whether you’re a booty-call or the girl he wants to bring home to his mother. The conversation is filled with questions like, “Why did he blow me off in front of his friends?”, “Why was he having an intimate conversation with some girl up on Twitter?” and “Why hasn’t he texted me in almost three days?”.

Now I may not have all the answers, but I’ve had those kinds of girls’ nights. Instead of filling up precious girl time with questions that can’t be answered by a room full of confused women, let’s debunk some ambiguous situations with the male species so we can figure out where he’s placed on us on his relationship totem pole. Ladies, let’s take back our sanity, self-respect and our gosh-darn girls’ night!

“Why am I getting the booty-call treatment?” Look, girl. I get that you want to come off cool, casual, and down for whatever. But there are too many ladies out there lying to themselves about what they want from a man just to keep a man. If you act as though you’re down for being the booty-call, then darlin’, unless this man loves you like Noah loved Allie, you will be the booty-call. Be honest with yourself, and don’t settle for any arrangement with any man that doesn’t sit right with you.

“Why am I only hearing from him during prime sleeping hours?” A wise young woman who attends Spelman College, a great feminist accomplishment, once told me, “If a man can text you at 1:40 a.m., but can’t text you at 1:40 p.m., don’t text him at all.” If there is a more obvious way a man shows you his intentions, please enlighten me, because this is the smoking gun. If a man can’t bother to talk to you during normal daytime hours, you have to ask yourself why is his so darn interested in you in the dead of the night, when he can hardly even see your face.

“Why am I hearing from him so rarely? Does he periodically lose his phone?” When people first get to know the guy or girl they’re into, they want to talk to them often. Don’t fool yourself into thinking the rule changes because he’s a guy and he’s busy and any other excuses you’ve conjured up. If he’s seriously into you, he will make time to talk to you…and often. Whether that’s walking you to your next class, shooting you a “good morning” text, or meeting you in the library to study, he will make time.

“Why doesn’t he introduce me to his friends?” Now, a man may not giggle and point at his phone when showing you off to his friends. But make no mistake, if he’s seriously into you, he will show you off. He might invite you to hang out with his friends or proudly show them your Instagram. You might even start being greeted by his friends. But if he can’t seem to walk with you without walking at an abnormally brisk pace, standing 20 ft. away from you, and darting his eyes back and forth nervously, we have a problem. If you’re temporary hook-up or a booty-call, he isn’t going to have much interested in showing you off to his friends. Guys don’t like a lot questions, especially not the inevitable “What happened to her?” question that he’ll get if he brings you around without the intention of keeping your around.

“Why does he look to be physically pained every time I talk to him?” I once dated (or assumed I was dating) a guy who literally sighed every time I talked. I know I’m not that boring a person (right?). This guy was not interested in talking to me and he just didn’t have the good manners to hide it. If a guy is into you, sure, he won’t always want talk. But he won’t let out a physical sigh at the sound of your voice. He’s going to want to know what you’re into, what your goals are, what you like and dislike, etc. If you’re a booty-call or a place-holder, he will actively protest the sound of your voice because that’s just not what he wants from you.

“Why is getting him to go out with me mission-impossible?” If you’re a booty-call and you want to go the movie, you better believe you’ll be sitting in that theatre hugging your popcorn instead of a guy. If a guy considers you a booty-call, he will, more often than not, refuse to go out with you. For a lot of guys, dates are reserved for girls they’re really into. Booty-calls get, well, booty-calls.

“Why don’t I exist on any of his social media?” Obviously, not everyone is comfortable plastering their relationships all over Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.  But if this has been going on for months, your presence should be evident in some way. People are often proud of their significant other and want to show them off, whether that be a tweet or two every once in a while, or a picture on Instagram together. But if you’re the booty-call, you’ll look as irrelevant as all his other followers and friends.

“Why does he keep talking about other women when he’s with me?” If a man is name-dropping or discussing other women with you, whether he’s admitting to dating them or not, run. Run, girl, run. That man is making it abundantly clear he may or may not be dating those other women, but he certainly isn’t dating you.

“Why isn’t he there anytime I need support?” For a lot of guys, support is reserved for girlfriends and good friends. Booty-calls don’t get that because it gives the girl the wrong impression. The last thing he wants is you calling him up telling him about how hard your day was, unless he’s getting something out of it. Think Bridesmaids, when Annie called Ted to pick her up after her car broke down. He did it with the disgustingly obvious expectation that he was getting something from her. You’d hope some guys would have the decency to support you just out of the kindness of their heart. Unfortunately, for a lot of guys, that’s not what the booty-call relationship entails.

“Why doesn’t he remember my birthday? Or any other important facts about me?” Don’t excuse a man for not remembering important facts about you because he’s “forgetful.” The same guy I mentioned above (you know, the one who felt physical pain when I spoke) couldn’t remember anything I told him, including my birthday. But I once glanced at a calendar sitting on his desk and saw a girl’s birthday marked. I later found out this was a girl he really liked. This should be a cautionary tale to all ladies. Men are not inherently forgetful creatures. He will remember what’s important to him.

“What does he mean when he says he wants to keep it ‘casual’?” Ladies, casual is equivalent to booty-call. This guy is essentially spelling out what he wants from you. This is your opportunity to roll with it or shut it down. If you like this guy a lot more than a booty-call relationship warrants, don’t accept a “casual” relationship. You can’t force him into anything else if that’s what he wants (don’t get all Alex Forest in Fatal Attraction on the poor guy). Just be willing to walk away if you’re ready for something more serious with him. Trust me, I see a Prince Charming in your future who considers you more than just booty to call.

[Lead image via solominviktor/Shutterstock]

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