Let’s talk about the stuff you don’t mention to your friends when describing your amazing run-in with the guy you obsess over. You know, the part about you choking on your food or spitting on his face while talking? Yeah, that stuff. Hey, don’t be embarrassed. Unfortunately, it happens to all of us. The only thing you can do when moments like these ruin the romantic encounter you played out in your mind is laugh it off. Here’s are a run down of down-right embarrassing, cringe-worthy things that always seem to happen in front of the man of your dreams:
1. You ripped a gnarly one when you were in his car. Girls don’t fart. That’s what a lot of men would like to think and a lot of us ladies would like to make sure they keep thinking. But, for Heaven’s sake, it’s an unfortunate and normal bodily occurrence. It has to happen sometime, but why does it have to happen in an enclosed space? Even if you manage to cough over the sound, the smell is inescapable! All you can do is pray he thinks he did it. If he brings it up, maybe you can trip him up by saying, “Um, I thought that was you! I wasn’t going to say anything, but oh my gosh! Get in control of that.” Yeah, unlikely but worth a shot.
2. You choke on your food while enjoying a nice dinner with him. Oh crap, you felt that broccoli go down the wrong way. That broccoli you so daintily put in your mouth! That broccoli you so carefully and quietly chewed! And now, you’re coughing up chunks of it and gasping for more water. Your poor date has to flag down the waiter and have him poor you another cup. And all the while, you’re coughing up the words, “No, no, I’m fine! Go ahead, keep going with what you were saying!” No girl, no one wants to talk to you when your face is purple.
3. While showing off your intellectual prowess, you spit on the dude’s face. You’re telling the guy about your ambitious career goals and intense workout routine when out of your mouth comes a demonic chunk of spit that’s clearly out to ensure you never get a date with this guy. It’s hurdling towards the guy in slow motion and when it finally hits him, he jumps, gets a grossed-out look on his face, and grudgingly wipes the spit away. Then he proceeds to take three steps back, far away from your spit’s reach. And you just freeze up. Like an idiot. And he says, “You were saying?” Yeah, nothing, I’m just going to back to the awkward hole that I came from.
4. You get that wonderful liquid courage to go talk to the guy of your dreams- and the wonderful liquid ends up all over him. Okay, so you didn’t have any dinner and your stomach’s growling, but a few drinks won’t hurt. It’s been a long, hard week and you’re ready to let loose and have some fun. Your dear friend points out your crush in the crowd and makes the brilliant suggestion for you to go over and talk to him. So your drunk ass stumbles towards him and you’ve got a few great conversation starters swirling in your drunk-heavy head (I.e. “Hey, you have a nice face. Can I have it?”) Before you can unleash your smooth demeanor on the unsuspecting guy, you unleash your lunch and breakfast on his shoes. Nice. Real nice.
5. You went on a full-blown rant with big wad of food stuck in your teeth. Yup, I know what you were thinking on that date: “Why is this dude staring at my mouth? I mean, can’t he be like other dudes and stare at my rack? At least I’d know what he was thinking. Maybe he likes my lips. On a scale from one to Angelina Jolie, I’m like an eight. Yeah, it’s definitely my lips. I should smile more. Or maybe he’ll like it when I leave my mouth half-open like models do. Wait, why is he gesturing towards his teeth? Why is he picking at them?” And that was the fateful moment you excused yourself to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and found that spinach was wedged right between your two front teeth. Damn you, spinach.
6. Your super cute skirt gets tucked into your not-so-cute undies. I mean, it’s the first date! You didn’t expect him to see your granny panties. Your granny panties were actually suppose to be a deterrent of sex on the first date. But your skirt, on the other hand, is suppose to make his mouth water with anticipation. After you finished in the ladies’ room, your skirt tucked itself into your panties. Sure, maybe you felt a slight draft, but it wasn’t until you noticed the stares from your date and, well, everyone else that you know something was up. And no, it wasn’t your fantastic legs that caught everyone’s eyes. Lumpy granny panties can really change the mood of your date.
7. Innocently checking your mail while feeling under the weather suddenly turns into an awkward catch-up session with the cute guy from down the hall. All you want to do is see if your Cosmo was here yet. You don’t want any trouble. You’ve been maintaining your karma. So why does the cutest guy in your building come around the corner just as you’re grabbing your mail in your ill-fitted polka-dot pajamas and dirty, over-worn bunny slippers. Your unshaven legs are peeking out from under your pajama pants, you have major bags under your eyes, and your nose is currently functioning like a faucet for your snot. Oh, and don’t get me started on your bed-head. It’s not the sexy kind of bed-head. It’s the I-tossed-and-turned-all-night-and-my-hair-stuck-to-my-sweaty-face kind of bed-head. And now, you have to bear through an awkward conversation when you thought you could just grab your Cosmo and run back upstairs to your warm bed. You poor misguided girl.
[Lead image via wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock]