I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about six months now and we have a really great relationship. He’s one of my best friends, and our sex life is definitely good. The thing is, though, that I tried to talk to him the other night and ask him what some of his fantasies were, and he totally thought I was joking. There are things I’d like to share with him, and things I’d like him to share with me, but I’m afraid that he’s not taking me seriously.
I guess that I have two questions for you. First, how can I let my boyfriend know that this is a serious conversation that I want to have? And second, how can I get him to open up and share his sexual fantasies and wants with me? I’m really all for pursuing those types of things with him…we just need to get talkin’ about it.
Fantasies are an awkward topic that people try to laugh off the table; there is no doubt about that. I remember dragging my boyfriend to a sex shop and he sat in the corner mortified by the walls of toys and costumes while I gallivanted around laughing and picking everything up. Probably wasn’t a good approach on my end, immersion therapy doesn’t work for everybody.
But you are completely correct that expressing your fantasies with your partner is important and can take your sex life and intimacy to another level. I am sure your boyfriend is avoiding the topic for the same reason almost everybody else does. He is scared of being judged. When it comes to fantasies I think most people believe that their fantasies are weird and nobody else would be into them. Which is (almost) never true; I mean look at how many different genres of porn there are, it’s never ending! That being said I am sure what your boyfriend is skittish about is opening up to you and having you think he is gross (which I am sure you would never do); or if you express a fantasy to him and he uncomfortable doing it then maybe he would feel inadequate. These are all reasonable fears to have but part of trusting somebody is moving past them.
Here is what I propose for opening him up. Instead of making it a panel discussion where you lay down your demands, I would introduce a very generic fantasy into the bedroom as a surprise. For example, buy new lingerie or have him wear handcuffs. This way he won’t see it like you are ambushing him. He will enjoy the experience and start to warm up to the idea of kink. You catch more bees with honey (or handcuffs and garter belts). Once you have done a trial run then bring it up with him again but in the context of how much you enjoyed it. If he is your best friend and you do have a great relationship, then this is the perfect way to parlay into the discussion of each other’s fantasies. I would advise you share with him first so he feels that it’s safe. If he is still completely against any discussion at all then you may need to have a bigger conversation about intimacy; but I am betting this will do the trick in letting the freak out of the closet.
Another thing that’s key in dealing with fantasies in the bedroom is being able to have a sense of humor about it. If you try to take them too seriously it adds to the pressure to perform. Not saying you should laugh while you whip your boyfriend but keep in mind that keeping it light when necessary can help make both you and your partner loosen up more. You are playing in a way so it makes sense to be playful.
I wish you good luck super freak, and I am sure it will be a happily ending (pun totally intended) Oh and between you and me, when somebody chokes you during sex it makes for a pretty awesome orgasm on your end. Just saying.