Fuck Valentine’s Day—it’s not a real holiday, amirite, punks?! Fine, we invented a holiday because capitalism but that’s not even my biggest issue with V-Day. The worst part about this fake holiday is how it makes people feel and not just single people, I mean, it drives all people CRAZY. Suddenly guys have to deal with all this pressure where their tiny brains have to function on some Pinterest level of reality and their reptilian minds don’t know how to compute what a thoughtful gift is so you’re stuck with a Spongebob Square Pants aluminum foil balloon and a pharmacy box of chocolates with a bee on it that says, “Bee mine.” All of those things would be adorable in junior high but perhaps you were expecting something slightly more relevant to who you are from your significant other?
This is one of the few times a year where I see women (not all) but many become stereotypes, psychopathic stereotypes who start measuring the worth of their boos by how much they spend and where they spend it. Women look crazy, guys look scared as fuck. So when my single ass is trying to celebrate Galentine’s Day I am surrounded by 100,000 arguing couples at dinner, which makes the waiters mad, which makes them passive aggressive at me, which makes me annoyed at them—it’s a downward spiral. On Valentine’s Day, things spiral. RIP to those poor couples who accidentally book their first date on this day.
Let’s all just be a little bit kinder to each other. Single people don’t drive yourself nuts because you are alone. Couples don’t drive each other crazy because your expectations are unrealistic. Let’s not rub our relationship status into each other’s faces because we think our life choices are better. In the spirit of turning the tables on the one holiday that creates chemical imbalances in people’s brains, I say we get our single friends cards this year—sassy cards! Fuck Valentine’s Day!