Swallowing The Post-College Ugly Truth [Twenty-Something Rules]

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Twenty-Something Rules-2

I took a Fiction Writing class once. I adored it. I’d take my coffee and my Moleskin and feel hipster as hell walking into the lofty classroom. One day, our instructor had us practice building our own characters. We were to list and describe items the character carried in his or her purse/backpack. So I described, in detail, what was in my purse. When I read the items out loud the instructor responded, “That is so sad and raw. Great job, Brittany. You can really see how the character is struggling.”

What? I don’t know where she got that by the dirty pennies and various nail polishes in my purse, but I digress. We’re all a little “sad and raw” sometimes, I guess.

In other news, it’s that time of week again. From one twenty-something to another, let’s bask in our proud sadness (wow, that was emo).

Rule #15: If it’s between the apple and the doughnut, eat the doughnut. Seriously. You’re going to anyway. LOOK at it.

Doughnut Friday at work proves the delicate loss of self control. But let’s encourage a breakthrough. Just eat the doughnut. It’s sitting there. You’re going to eat something healthy to try and “forget about it” and we all know that never works. Doughnuts are evil little sugary pillows of sweet heaven. Their empty calories make your taste buds dance like little fairy people. Indulge. Portion control can be considered, but doughnuts are an important element of life. Sad note: I just wrote an entire paragraph about eating a doughnut. :(

Rule #16: Stop talking about how “tired you are.”

Honestly. Nobody cares.

Rule #17: Give people a piece of your heart, not a piece of your mind.

To risk sounding like a total flower child, all anyone needs is a little love. I’m not saying you should oust your own opinion, not stand up for yourself or hug everything that walks. Just be kind, put passion into all of your work and hug everything that walks 80% of the time.

Rule #18: Every person who doesn’t like you is a giant piece of pea-soup-smelling GARBAGE.

Everyone who has every doubted or insulted your character does not deserve to be in your life. Go stand on a chair and repeat this yelling into your own reflection in the mirror; “Everyone who doesn’t like me smells like moist feet!”

Rule #19: Careful with Target.

I have two rules for Target.

1. Only buy what you need.
2. Meaning you don’t need the oriental flower in a plastic pot for your work desk.

Only buy those things when you’re having a terrible, god-awful day. Essie nail polish, cah-ching! See? This is why I have a Target budget problem.

Rule #20: Never say “no” to buying a book.

The one thing you should always spend your money on is literature. Books make you smarter, sometimes smell nice, make you look sexy, cover you up and take you to a new world, make sharp minds and shitty movies. Buy them like you spend money in the grocery store. In my opinion, you need books just as much as you need breakfast in the morning. Namaste.

Rule #21: No need to “make a point” when you turn 21. You’ll “make a point” for the rest of your life.

We get it, YOU’RE TURNING 21!!! TIME TO GET ROWDY!! TIME TO GET SO WASTED YOU NEVER KNEW YOU HAD MIDDLE NAME!! TEQUILA! MYSTERY SHOT! JAG BOMBZ (with a z)!

Ok, rest. Go have fun on your 21st. But good God, calm down. You’re going to endure in many embarrassing mistakes and nights after this one. You’ll make your point somewhere down the line. And it won’t be pretty.

Click here for rules 1-14!

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