8 Sucky Things About Wearing Spanx

‘Chelle told me remind you readers on the benefits of the blessings that lie within Spanx. The highly popular foundation garments are perfect for nixing unsightly lumps and bumps when you’re filling out that skirt a la Yoncé. A little smoothing, lifting and tucking never hurt nobody, amiright? Actually no. I’m wrong. Can’t lie – Spanx have saved a sister’s life on many occasions, but it’s not without consequence. My mom told me a long time ago that beauty is pain. But does it have to hurt this much, momma? Does it?

1) Tone

I’m a chocolate-covered gal, so some things – like flesh-colored pumps or drugstore foundation when I can’t afford MAC’s NC50 – are hard to find. This includes Spanx. I can either do tan, which is too light, or black, which is too dark. It’s like freaking Goldilocks and the Three Bears, here. Why can’t I find a tone that’s just right for me?

2) Getting Them On

I remember my first time trying to stuff my thunder thighs into a pair of Higher Powers, wondering how a product so tiny could fit over alladis. Needless to say, my jelly was NOT ready. I stretched the things about a thousand different ways, angling my body and my booty all over the place to get them on. Not even touching on how I got them off.

3) Laundering

I wish that I could just throw my Spanx in the washing machine and call it a day, but the powers that be advise against it. Hand-washing stuff is so time consuming for an impatient person like me. First you sanitize the sink. Then you fill the sink up halfway and add it with detergent. Then you hang the Spanx to dry. And then you have to sanitize the sink again. Like come on, Sarah Blakely. You’re cutting into my “House of Cards” time, baby girl.

4) Visible Lines

It’s happened to the best, worst and weirdest of us. Even Lady Gaga has been susceptible to the VSL – the visible Spanx line. Though products are meant to melt into the skin, it’s still easy to spot lines if you’re rocking a form-fitting pencil skirt or if your shapers are longer than your hemline.

5) Comfort

Spanx are supposed to be comfortable as they’re made from cotton, the fabric of our lives. Tuh. There are many times when I had to excuse myself from the moment and take a shapewear break. Reports say that compression garments aren’t necessarily for everyday use because of various risks like reflux, heartburn and digestive problems. Don’t forget that we’re supposed to wear our Spanx in moderation.

6) Ride Up and Roll Down

Nothing more embarrassing than thinking you’re a total baptized baddie in your new Easter dress, literally flaunting your figure for the Gods, until your power panties roll down while you’re tossing your offering into the basket at the front of the sanctuary. You know, not that that’s happened to me or anything. My Spanx experiences have been trial and error, with error taking most of the reign. Though there are handy size guides on the back of most of the products, try them on so you’ll avoid a wardrobe malfunction.

7) Itchy Sitchy

Sorry for treading into TMI-territory here, but your down there-ea is supposed to breathe. Spanx are super tight. Don’t make me say it. You do the math. You know what I mean. You KNOW what I mean.

8) Deception

I remember one night when I went out with a friend to celebrate her birthday. I wore this oversized sweater and a few awesome statement necklaces, but my pièce de résistance was this animal-print midi length bodycon skirt. I’m one of the few ethnic girls that were born without any ass to speak of. It’s kind of embarrassing. I didn’t think that I could pull the skirt off at all, but Spanx – my savior – smoothed out my slight booty doo and catapulted me into “banging” status. I got attention all night. But I couldn’t fully revel in it – because it was the Spanx. And not me. And I don’t want to sell dreams.

[Lead image via Huffington Post]

When she’s not watching for Blue Ivy sightings or doing some serious Facebook creeping, Khalea, a recent Howard University graduate, moonlights as a magazine intern and a freelancer in New York City. Follow her on Twitter at @letsbeKHAlear, or feel free to Twatch. Whatever works for you.

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