Lupito Nyong’o Is Actually a Delicious M&M Candy

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When the Academy awarded the “human” female Lupita Nyong’o the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress, I became increasingly suspicious of her origins as a “human” female. Firstly, is this “Academy” to expect me to believe a “woman” so rigorously flawless, relentlessly talented and impeccably dressed is a human being? Are we truly to believe that this person with not a single visible pore, who appeared suddenly, out of nowhere, in a supporting role of the Best Picture of the Year, is more than a mere Pygmalion concoction of the collective subconscious desire for such fierceness? That a deep-skinned beauty, who can pull off literally any. goddamned. color in the spectrum has solely human DNA?!

I am no fool. At first, I suspected that this Lupita was an android devised by the North Korean government to first melt our hearts with a painstaking performance, then steal the breath of our collective clamouring sighs of relief as she won the nomination, only to finally destroy our sense of security by revealing herself to be an, albeit, beautifully crafted and expensive grenade devised to eviscerate us all when we least expect it. Truly, though, how can anyone this skillful, articulate, humble and gorgeous be of the homo sapiens?

After many attempts to detonate Lupita via Twitter, our tests were inconclusive. Surely, Miss Nyong’o must be an alien from a far away galaxy, the same solar system that perhaps produced the likes of Beyoncé or Meryl Streep? The place light years away that produces human-looking but not human being females that are incapable of discretions? But alas, we were wrong again! After much testing in our labs, this Luptia Nyong’o is a highly evolved, advanced sentient species of the homos m. m. candisus species. Her bright and spectacular candy coating evolved to hypnotize even those with the weakest attentiveness and her delicious, chocolatey epidermis designed to inspire those who have felt a glass ceiling was placed on their inherent beauty. Ah, yes, Miss Lupita Nyong’o is a decadent M&M! 

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