Dear The Dude,
I have been with my boyfriend, let’s call him Larry, for well over a year. He moved in with me about six months ago and I am continuously amazed by his level of laziness. What gets me the most is that he doesn’t even realize he’s lazy!
Now, I understand that I am a neat freak and my cleanliness expectations are above average, but I don’t expect him to be on my level. What I do expect? The house not being disaster when I come home two hours after having just cleaned it. It’s worse on the weekends when his daughters come over and he hasn’t been properly watching them!
He comes home from work and hops on his video games for hours at a time. On the weekends when he should be spending quality time with his children, he’s playing video games. When he’s not playing video games he’s on Facebook.
I am not anti-video game. I enjoy them myself! I feel, however, that he is addicted to them. To the point where it seems that they are more important to him than anything else.
I’ve tried having numerous, calm conversations with him about my concerns and he seems to listen and understand but then only makes a change for a day.
I’m tired of being the only one to take care of things in the home and in life and I’m tired of being a nagging Nancy. I don’t want to be a nag but I don’t know how else to get through to him.
I’m going insane!
Can you help me with my lazy Larry?
So, you got yourself a lazy Larry who’s too addicted to Assassins Creed: Black Flag to do things like, you know, respect the house you both live, respect you enough to take your concerns seriously enough to make an effort to change his slovenly ways, or put focus on his kids when they come visit on the weekends. What can you do with such a partner besides being a nagging Nancy? Well…
You could calmly talk to him about how you’re tired of watching him treat your home like a frat dorm. Wait, you did that.
You could sit down and ask him why he’d rather pay attention to video games than his kids. Wait, you did that.
You can give him some tough love, like nagging to get through to-oh, wait…
You can tell him to get off his lazy ass and treat you like a partner rather than his mother. You can tell him if he doesn’t show you the respect to make an effort like a GROWN UP that you can change the locks and kick him out. You could skip all of that and just change the locks anyway.
He might get the message then.
A person cannot be made to change. He can’t be forced to listen. If he’s going to start picking up his own socks then it will be when he decides to do it. Which will be when he decides that he wants to do it bad enough for himself. People can change their habits. However, they don’t necessarily do it just for their partner, but also in self-service. Because making their partner happy, means a happier relationship, which then will make them happier, too. It’s a healthy level of selfishness that all people should possess. So, until he decides that it’s important enough to make the effort and stop being such a lazy Larry, there’s nothing more you can do. Except tell him to put up or shut up.
You’ve used up a lot of logic and patience. They haven’t gotten you any results. Time to take away the carrot and use the stick. Put on the boots, the ones made for walking, and use them to kick his ass towards the door unless he decides to act like something other than a man-child.
Don’t be his nag and don’t be his mother.