The other day, I stole some honey mustard from the work refrigerator for my turkey sandwich. Last weekend, I stayed up until 3am and ate a Crunch Wrap Supreme for the first time since 2010. On Sunday, I watched 4 hours straight of Bar Rescue with no inhibitions.
The moral of this sad, sad story is you need to get down with your bad self every once in a while. It will make you feel free. Just stay away from drugs and pay your bills.
From one twenty-something to another, let’s live a crazy life.
Rule #43: Sometimes, you gotta flip them off.
You are no angel. If someone cuts you off in traffic, strike um’ the bird. Behind the wheel, no one knows your name. However, restrain from flipping off in these few cases: Christmas, Christmas Eve, a few days before Christmas and your birthday. Be happy on those days, OK?
Rule #44: There will be a day in your life when you’re listening to weird 80s rock and crying in the shower because your shitty apartment has the water pressure of soft urination.
You don’t have that much money when you’re twenty-something. So, there’s going to be a day or two in your life that involves three things: pathetic sadness, no water pressure and an 80s rock song. Things will get better.
Rule #45: Want to feel like you’re in high school again? Make out under blue Christmas lights while listening to Maroon 5.
Remember…high school is never far away.
Rule #46: You will endure the evolution of coffee drinking. Gingerbread latte extra cream/full pack of sugar, to skim chai latte, to half coffee/half cream, to sugar coffee, to BLACK ANYTHING.
College does something to you (makes you feel dramatic and tired all the time) and encourages the beginning of coffee drinking. Pull an all-nighter in the library? Coffee. Feel hung-over on a Thursday morning? Coffee. It tastes like the inside of a barn the first time you try it, but the “coffee evolution” will have you chugging black coffee /chewing on coffee grains with pure ecstasy before you know it. The darker the coffee, the more powerful you feel.
Rule #47: No job is worth losing hair over.
The chance that your first job out of college will suck is at probably 95%. But, everyone has to do it. Everyone has to cry a little on the way home from work, snort-sobbing at the steering wheel, wondering if making money will every really matter. But have standards. If your hair starts falling out, nothing is worth your time. Even if you have to live with you parents for two years after you quit. To know you’re truly happy, your job should: value human relationships, make you see money as a “perk,” not cause your over-drinking, ensure consistent bowel movements and happy dreams, not turn your car into a safe haven for epic cry sessions, and see an inner passion towards your craft intertwined and wrapped around your work like a beautiful scarf (sorry about that metaphor, can you believe I’m a writer?).
Rule #48: Wine and a bow is always a fabulous hostess gift. But showing up is even better.
While a giant bottle of red wine with a doily bow is always a nice gesture, the best gesture is showing up for the party on time. The hostess will forever appreciate that.
Rule #49: Forget the “confidence rule” that you have to walk like three men are always behind you. That’s rapey. Walk without compulsively tripping.
Confidence doesn’t take three random dudes. So, stop worrying who’s behind you and get to where you’re going with your shoulders back, tits out and without skinning your knees, aight? Now that’s confidence.