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scary hot dogs

There is this long held delusion that food would be more appetizing if there was some sort of face on it. Never have I ever looked a dog in the face and thought damn, you’re so cute I want to go get a fork and knife and eat your body. I don’t even think that way about the animals I do eat. “Look at the delicious cow face,” is a phrase I have never used in my life. Projecting human qualities onto edible objects makes me afraid of them not more likely to eat them. I do not want to eat an animal nor human’s face. I do not want my food to have an “expression” especially one that implies it is terrified because I just murdered it and its entire family.

I think people believe kids’ food should look like inanimate objects like cars or airplanes. To them I say, “Then do you get upset when your child puts inanimate objects in their mouth?” Food is most appealing when it looks like food. Food is less appealing when it looks like stuff. There isn’t any food less appealing than the elusive, mysterious hot dog—maybe Spam. These monstrous, heinous crimes against hot dogs will make you rethink your next dinner party.

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