So here’s my problem: I’m a fresher at uni currently and I met a guy with whom I spend a lot of time with, ’cause we share all classes together. One time he slept over after he got drunk at a party, but nothing happened except some cuddling and spooning, though he said that he’d loved to kiss me if he hadn’t thrown up. Just a week later he got a little drunk again, and again got really close to me like touching my arse or something like this.
Sometimes he is really reserved and others he just gets really direct. When he flies home over the weekend he texts me much more, I’m really getting confused. Especially as he fell last week and I drove over to help him with his bruised arm. But then he just texted me once saying that he doesn’t want anything other than friendship — “not more nor less,” as he put it.
Can you help me? I’m just really confused of what to think of, if he was interested or not, am I wasting my time with him as being more than a normal friend? What does he want?
I would really appreciate your help! Thanks a lot.
Dear Ms. Irritated,
You’ve got a guy crossing his signals: he cuddles and plays a game of hot potato with your arse but then he gives you the, “let’s just be friends” speech. What’s he want? I don’t have a effing clue. You know why? Because usually when someone’s giving you mixed signals you’re dealing with one of two possibilities: Either they don’t know what they want or they do but aren’t going to allow themselves to have what they want. No matter which scenario you’re stuck in, the fault lies with him, not you.
When someone doesn’t know what they want they will give into impulse and then immediately feel ashamed that they did. Like, say, hooking up drunk then never calling that person ever again. You liked it in the moment but realize you went a bit too far and did something you don’t want to make any worse. What’s done can’t be undone. How much more doing you decide to do is going to make it harder when you decide to stop. This guy sounds like he let himself act on impulses when he was drunk that he wouldn’t have done if he’d been sober. That kind of “pulling back” isn’t a good sign. It’s something that you’ll want to learn to recognize in case it happens with someone else.
Now, yes, sometimes when crunked we let out a bit of ourselves we’ve been holding back. Maybe he’d really rather be MORE than friends with you and let you see that wanting a little when he didn’t have all of his faculties in working order. But once the genie’s out of the bottle you can’t put it back in. You’ve seen it. He knows you’ve seen it. Maybe he’s scared of things not working out. Maybe he’s scared of getting hurt or of hurting you. Maybe he’s struggling with getting his cojones to drop enough to step up and let you know he wants you like you want him. Maybe. You don’t know and you’ve got to let it be HIS problem.
The bottom line: You’re freaking out over his dumb ass. His issues are giving you issues. And that ain’t cool. Don’t let him keep the power of this situation. Let him know that you’re signals aren’t all mixed up and it’s not fair of him to keep crossing his. He knows you’ve got some feels for him. Focus on what you can do in this situation: Clear the air. Set boundaries. Tell him he can’t get drunk and stay over anymore. Tell him his privileges to grab your arse have been revoked. Let him know that until he’s straight with you, you’re going to be perfectly straight with him: No more BS.
Be strong. Look around and see if there’s another guy who isn’t messing with your head because his is jumbled.
Keep your faith in what you deserve,
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]