There Is Powdered Alcohol Now, Let’s Do Stuff With It

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palcohol

As I wake up covered in my own puke, next to an empty bottle of tequila, as I pick up a cold slice of pizza off the floor and bite it, as I feel my head pound with the protests of today’s hangover, I think to myself, “You know what this world needs? A different way to consume copious amounts of liquor!”

Palcohol is the powdered alcohol no one ever asked for but as it turns out we really needed it . . . to destroy lives.

According to Liquor Wire, “This week, the U.S. Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau approved Palcohol, an alcoholic powder that comes in four highly questionable flavors: Cosmopolitan, Powderita, Lemon Drop and Mojito.”

But who exactly is this product for? What demand is there? Palcohol’s website says it’s,”A great convenience for the person on the go. One package weighs about an ounce and is small enough to fit into any pocket.” 

No more clunky vodka handles! No more stops through airport security! This mysterious powdery substance is no mystery at all! It’s not just for super busy functioning alcoholics, it’s sugar-free and thus great for us ladies, cuz we got to watch our figures.

Sorry to people who like to snort things they made it snort proof. “We have seen comments about goofballs wanting to snort it. Don’t do it! It is not a responsible or smart way to use the product. To take precautions against this action, we’ve added volume to the powder so it would take more than a half of a cup of powder to get the equivalent of one drink up your nose. You would feel a lot of pain for very little gain. Just use it the right way.” 

Sorry guys, you’ll just have to keep injecting alcohol intravenously.

Here’s What We Would Do With Palcohol. 

1. Snort is anyway. Duh.

2. Switch out a friend’s protein powder with this stuff so they get really drunk mid workout.

3. Mix it into our lunch so that we can secretly get tipsy at work.

4. Make cookies with it.

5. Sneak it into bars and clubs so that we only have to order seltzer.

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