Though I personally fall firmly on Team Long Term Relationship, I appreciate and condone the existence of a f*ck buddy. There is definitely a percentage of the sexually active population who needs to have the option of continual no-strings-attached fornicating at their disposal. Unfortunately, maintaining an NSA relationship is slightly harder than it appears.
It’s a delicate balancing act between being detached and intimate (because yes, getting naked and orgasming with someone is an intimate act – deal with it), and people usually end up too far on one side of this precarious tightrope. However, your booty call relationships need not be destined to fail. There is no reason two consenting adults can’t maintain a fully no-strings-attached arrangement – you just need to keep a few things in mind.
1. Honestly assess your ability to keep things extremely casual.
You may think that you’re the queen of Giving Zero F*cks, but take a moment to think about your history – do you inevitably end up making your booty call/FWB your actual boyfriend? Do you find yourself getting antsy when you realize you haven’t heard from your booty call (hereafter known as “BC”) in a whole 24 hours? You may pride yourself on not being a stage-5 clinger, but if you are even a stage 2.5, you probably need to check yourself and realize the NSA life is not for you. And that’s totally okay! Don’t force yourself into a role you’re not good at when you can be true to yourself and be a lot happier.
2. Don’t make appointments with your BC too often.
No matter how good the sex is, if you’re seeing the same person several times a week, you’re already setting the groundwork for things to escalate beyond BC status. Get a vibrator or someone else into your rotation, because getting too familiar with probably lead to one of you getting attached. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, please do remember to…
3. Keep the lines of communication open.
I can never emphasize the importance of talking. Even if you don’t know your BC’s last name, you need to at least be able to talk about the status of your arrangement. You need to be able to tell your BC when you’re ready to move on, or you’ve started dating someone else, or you’re starting to fall head over heels. “No strings attached” doesn’t mean “No talking about anything, ever.” While being detached does mean not whining about how anxious you are about finals or how your BFF is totally stressing you out, there are certain topics that are relevant to both your and your BC’s interests, and you need to be able to address those.
4. Be smart about who you choose to get it on with.
Do go for: successful one night stands, people who are not relationship material for one reason or another, and people who you know will probably be moving away soon (ie: graduating seniors, interns who are only in your city for a few months, etc). Stay away from: friends, recent exes, exes of friends, anyone you’ll be forced to cross paths with daily.
5. Be shameless without being tacky.
So let’s be real, having a strictly sexual relationship with someone is probably not the height of elegance or whatever, so there’s no reason to be coy about your intentions. Once you’ve identified your BC and you’re both on the same page, neither of you should have any qualms about texting each other at odd hours to coordinate hookups. But it also means you should have a modicum of decorum – it’s cool if you have several options, but if you text one of them, and then text five others as contingency plan, you then have to awkwardly renege if you get multiple responses.
Maintaining a successful NSA relationship is about being honest with yourself and your partners and making good choices – ie, typical grownup stuff. There’s this idea that if you’re only going to be having sex with someone, you don’t have to worry about, you know, treating them like an actual human being, or that you shouldn’t have to do any work to maintain it. Anything involving other people is not going to be effortless, but it definitely doesn’t need to be cumbersome. Treat yourself well, treat your partners well, and hopefully your partner will return the favor. If not, on to the next one, because you deserve better.
This post originally appeared from Jasmine.
[Lead image via Shutterstock]