I’m going to be completely honest with you; I am in no mood to write. It’s one of those weeks, you know?
It’s one of those weeks where days crawl by and you feel silly for wishing them to press forward. It’s one of those weeks you accidentally appreciate a depressing Coldplay song. It’s one of those weeks where you stare at things a lot and wear socks that don’t match, get mad at people for weird reasons, drink too much wine, feel unmotivated and blow a hole in your nylons near your pinky toe. We all have these weeks and that’s the beauty of them.
Here’s a rule: only feel sorry for yourself one day of that week. The rest, find that inner wonder woman and press on.
From one twenty-something to another, let’s put a kibosh to “one of those weeks.”
Rule #85: Always button your shirts from the bottom up.
Unless you want to get to the bottom and realized you buttoned your shirt like a drunk person. This mistake wastes 30 seconds of your day, at least. You button a lot of shirts, those 30 seconds could add up to an entire week in a year. Don’t waste your life away. Button your shirts from the bottom up.
Rule #86: Leave notes.
There is something about a note. A paper note, left somewhere your significant other/friend/family member can find it at a later date. They’re charming, thoughtful and unique.
Roses are red. Wet dogs smell like poo. You make me giddy inside. Doop-do-dee-doo.
See? Charming as ever.
Rule #87: You are absolutely enough.
Always remember that.
Rule #88: Plain and simple. You get what you give.
If you’re a total mean shit-head, people are going to feed that right back in your face. If you’re pleasant and lovely, welcome to a world full of lollipops and leprechauns. Ok, maybe not literally, or as often as you may think. But the good always outweighs the bad.
Rule #89: Don’t Dutch oven your boyfriend. Keep a little mystery, girl.
Keep the vile ass-rippers out of your relationship. I know “we’re comfortable about each other and he should love me anyway for being a human!” He may love you. But I can guarantee doing the deed isn’t going to be as sensual when he’s imagining your horrific, proud, Clydesdale farts. You’re a lady. Don’t let him forget that.
Rule #90: Three things that will never be loyal: bobby pins, socks and men that text “Hey.”
Everything in that list you will lose with no explanation.
Rule #91: Men aren’t psychics, your Mom or wizards. Tell them what you want. Explicitly.
Men won’t “miraculously know what you want.” Lord wishes life worked that way. But let’s be honest, everyone thinks the Lord is a male so we’re f&cked.
“Ugh, isn’t it obvious? How does he not know the right side of my neck hurts and I want it massaged? How does he not know I love those weird ombre petunias? How could he not care about how I have to drive in this horrible storm tonight?!?”
Men aren’t mind readers. Tell him what you want. He’ll appreciate it.