6 Things I’m Thinking While Going Down on You

"The Drinking Song" Knows All About Your Drunken Antics"The Drinking Song" Knows All About Your Drunken Antics
"Is He Trying to Break Us Up Again?" [Ask A Dude]"Is He Trying to Break Us Up Again?" [Ask A Dude]

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Some girls hate giving blowjobs, others can’t stop raving about how much they love it. Me? I fall somewhere in the middle. While fantasizing about going down on some random stranger doesn’t exactly get me hot and bothered, I believe that doing the deed with someone I’m dating is a fun way to mix up our sexual routine. You’ve likely found that guys are pretty vocal about what they want (or physical, we’ve all experience the head-push) when it comes to oral sex, while us girls tend to keep our BJ opinions to ourselves because the male ego is très fragile.

Can we finally drop the curtain and talk about some of the thoughts that go through our heads while we’re giving head? I honestly don’t think there’s a funnier inner monologue anywhere, and I bet you too have experienced many of these feelings, observations and frustrations.

I hope he shaved.

The ultimate personal struggle — not wanting to hook up with someone whose junk looks like a 5 year old boy vs. dealing with a mouthful of pubes. There’s just no winning, but at the end of the day most women would agree reckoning with a completely shaved guy is better than licking Robin Williams’ forearm. If you know what I mean.

I hope he took a shower.

Doubled if it’s the summer. Tripled if he went to the gym that day. What’s more disgusting than holding your breath so you don’t smell or taste anything funky? I’m gagging just thinking about it.

Hurry up…just a little…please.

Truthfully, I really don’t mind if the whole BJ process takes a little while. I recognize that it’s a pleasurable experience, and I certainly wouldn’t want to feel rushed if the roles were reversed. Oral is not a time to stress or check your watch. There comes a time, however, usually around the 20 minute mark, when you’re kiiiiinda wishing he’d hurry up already. Your neck is getting a little achy, your tongue is tired, you’ve got no more spit left — it’s really just becoming an unfortunate scene.

What am I going to do if he asks for something weird?

Disclosure, I’m not judging any specific sexual act or preference. My definition of “weird” in this instance is anything unforeseen, out of the ordinary, potentially not-okay with you, etc. And it’s in these moments, when you can tell he’s gearing up to make a request, that your heart stops and your head bobbing stops and you send up a little prayer to God: “Please, Lord, don’t let today be the day he asks me to lick his butt.”

OMG what does that face mean?

You can’t tell if he’s in pain, or if he’s just really, really enjoying this. OMG part 2: Do I look like this when he’s going down on me!? #embarrassing

Am I going to swallow?

Spit, swallow, finish somewhere…else. If you’re going down on a guy you’ve been hooking up with for a while, chances are you already know how it’s going to end. If you’re with someone new, however, and you guys hadn’t talked about it already, this is where things can get a little choose-your-own-adventure. We’ve all been with the guy who tries to finish on your face like oh, I’m just aiming at your eyes but I swear I’m not trying anything funny. We’ve also heard tales of the guy who gets seriously offended if you try to discreetly spit into a tissue. It’s all very stressful — trying to wrap things up as sexily as possible, while also making some really important game-time decisions that jell with your sexual boundaries.

[Lead image via Edyta Pawlowska/Shutterstock]

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