Basicness is not exclusive to the female species. Quite the contrary, my friend. Men are just as guilty sipping Caramel Lattes, wearing J. Crew and sobbing through The Fault In Our Stars. Basic people are merely abstract blackholes of bland nothingness. It’s almost like saying your
Myspace profile Pinterest Board is actually exactly who you are and nothing else. Basicness isn’t a definitive quality it’s a mere moment or state of mind. All of us have a bit of basicness in us (hello Pumpkin Spice Lattes) and we will all have our moments when we become the basic bitch at the party. Men are no exception. Dudes can be basic as fuck with their “home brewing beer” and thinking The Walking Dead is fucking awesome! They all secretly want to boink Ryan Gosling too. (It’s true.)
While it can be hard to accept that our future husbands might be basic it won’t stop us from loving them and their stupid basic faces. True love is saying, “I don’t care that you’re a basic bitch, I love you anyway, bb.”
The Endearing Basic: Channing Tatum
Celebrity Example: Channing Tatum is the most basic bitch you know. His potato-face, all-American, abs of steel make him prime meat but it also makes him sort of a . . . blank canvas. He’s . . . nice. Channing Potato began his career as a male stripper which is, like, the most basic job ever because you just jiggle your bits and let old ladies touch your sugar buns. Yet he thought it was fascinating enough to make a movie about it called Magic Mike. Then he scored a gig as a backup dancer in Ricky Martin’s (!!!) “She Bangs” video and got paid a measly $400. He studied kung fu as a kid, the choice sport of all kids who aren’t that good at anything but need something to do after school. He modeled for Abercrombie & Fitch which is the most basic, bland brand in history. His first notable role was Step Up where he met Jenna Dewan, whom he later married. According to Alexandra this means that, “He still thinks he is in that first movie! He doesn’t know it’s over!” Then he was in a Nicholas Sparks film which is, like, beautifully-longing-White-people-without-personalities-city.
Why You’ll Like Him: Channing’s basicness doesn’t make him any less fuckable or likeable. In fact it makes him endearing. He is the kind of basic whose basicness comes from the heart. It’s who he is. He’ll fix your shelf, grind on your booty at the club, then read you excerpts from Fifty Shades of Grey as you fall asleep.
Where You’ll Meet Him: Strip Club, Zumba Class, Wa-Wa
Level Of Basicness: Infinity
The Luxury Artisanal Basic: Kanye West
Celebrity Example: Kanye West, I hate to say it, is a basic. Anyone who charges folks $120 for a plain white T-shirt is operating on the upper echelon of basicness. This is the kind of basic who has conflated money with quality. When Kreayshawn sang “Gucci Gucci, Louis Louis, Fendi Fendi, Prada/Them basic bitches wear that shit, so I don’t even bother,” she was literally quoting all of Ye’s favorite brands. Kanye’s taste for luxury items along with the fact that he capitalized the bro-iest fashion trends in history: shutter shades and pink polos with popped colors is a clear indication of his shallow basicness. His taste for expensive women like Kim Kardashian, who turned her basicness into an business empire, coupled with his choice of “unique” and self-congratulatory baby names like “North West” reveals his apt for the aesthetically pleasing and superficial.
Why You’ll Like Him: His ambitions will impress you and because he only wants “the best” he will thus give you the best. Nothing but Chanel and island vacations. He may however refer to use as his “bitch” since his preference for owning things will make him want to own you.
Where You’ll Meet Him: French Bistro, Louis Vuitton, Ted Talk
Level of Basicness: Too Extra Medium
The Sensitive Basic: Jon Snow
Celebrity Example: Jon Snow is a fictional character but he is the most basic fictional character in TV history (besides Ben from Felicity). Jon Snow is only a beloved character on Game of Thrones because he has the dopey, sexy face. If the man did not give good face his head would’ve been put on spike by Joffrey episodes ago. He has got that whole sensitive, emo, whiny thing going for him since he’s a bastard. That’s why he is so good at taking care of his puppy but that is the only thing he is good at because he literally knows nothing. There is nothing going on in that bastard head of his besides Bright Eyes’ lyrics and puppies eating ice cream.
Why You’ll Like Him: He literally knows nothing but he is known for being good at one thing besides dire wolf care-taking—eating the V.
Where You’ll Meet Him: The Wall, Beyond The Wall, The North
Level of Basicness: First Day of My Life
The Modelizer Basic: Leonardo DiCaprio
Celebrity Example: Leonardo DiCaprio was a member of a well-documented group called The Pussy Posse. The PP were a group of philandering celebs in the ’90s including Tobey McGuire, David Blaine (!!!) and Lukas Haas. The Basic Modelizer is known for his preference of dating generic, often obscure, models with only a limited-time warranty and a prayer. The man bun is the preferred hairstyle of most womanizing douches and proves to be no exception for Leo. Another indicator of The Basic Modelizer is the reverse-Pangea-face sequence. As Alex would explain, it’s when your face shrinks and head gets bigger, similar to continental shift that took place thousands of years ago—only in reverse. Leo’s starring role in one of the first basic movies ever made Titanic, where he coined the phrase repeated by millions of douches in boat shoes, is further proof of his male basicness.
Why You’ll Like Him: He only dates pretty girls so you’ll feel like a pretty girl.
Where You’ll Meet Him: Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, A Yacht, Thai Massage Parlor
Basic Level: Wolf
The Anyone Who Has Dated Taylor Swift Basic: All Of Them
Celebrity Example(s): Taylor Swift is, scientifically speaking, the most basic woman that has ever lived. Her affinity for cat sweaters, middle school diary-esque lyrics and cute vintage clothing is the basic formula. The Taylor Swift Ex Basic is a special breed of man with a high tolerance for bullshit but only because he is guided by his penis alone. Taylor Swift makes men basic by the transitive property of osmosis. ~sCI3NçE~
John Mayer only dates basics. (See: Jessica Simpson and Katy Perry.) He wears scarves on his head, says horrible things about women, and would normally be described as an “Artisanal Womanizing Basic Minor” if he had not tasted the forbidden Taylor fruit.
Taylor Lautner generally don’t hurt nobody but he was in Twilight which is basic, angsty, hormonal, teenage girl city.
Jake Gyllenhaal was in Prince of Persia.
Connor Kennedy is a Kennedy which is old school basic heartthrob mania.
Why You’ll Like Him: He dated Taylor Swift and you want all the gossip on T-Swift! Duh! You also want to feel closer to Taylor Swift! Duh!
Where You’ll Meet Him: Cafe, Thrift Store, Taylor Swift Concert
Basic Level: Trouble! Trouble!