“He Won’t Tell Me What I Did To Break Us Up!” [Ask A Dude]

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askadude

Hey Dude!

So, I have been in a relationship with a guy for about a year and a half. A couple months into the relationship I found out he had a girlfriend, one who he’d been in a very long relationship with, but lived in another city. The chemistry with this guy and the feelings were just incredible, and he hinted at me things were over with this girl… A couple weeks ago we were going to meet up, but I decided to visit my cousin who was in town but invited him over, too.

After that he totally went cold on me, he wouldn’t speak to me, he wouldn’t call me, NOTHING. That went on for about 3 weeks and then he called me and told me he’d rather us stop speaking. When I asked him why was that, he just said I knew what I had done and he can never forgive me for it nor trust me again. I have NO idea what I did, but because things were not going anywhere, I apologized and asked for a second chance (assuming he was upset because I had been speaking to another guy, which I had told him about and he didn’t mind).

He said he won’t be able to see me as before and I can never mean to him what I meant to him before. But that he is open to anything I will try to fix the relationship, though he believes there’s nothing to fix. Whenever I tell him that I want to fix things, he just says, “Do what you need to do, I’m here and I’m open to anything,” but then when I tell him maybe I’m forcing him to give me a second chance, he acts like I’m the one giving up.

He won’t tell me what it is that I did, he won’t tell me what the unforgivable thing I did was, and it is driving me crazy. I even apologized for something I don’t even know and it’s driving me crazy. Is he trying to make me feel guilty about something I didn’t do, or what? Is he just bluffing or should I just leave him alone. I really want to gain back his trust, but I feel like I haven’t done anything to lose it in the first place and I feel guilty all the time ‘cause he’s always blaming me for ruining everything and I have no idea what to do. I really do love this guy and want to fix things.

Please help me!

Confused.

Dear Confused,

So things were going great with this guy, who’d technically been seeing another girl for a while that you were together. Then, all of a sudden he’s making you feel like crap and giving you the silent treatment for something but won’t even tell you what you did. Instead of explaining everything and trying to work with you, he keeps saying that he’s “up for anything” to fix the issue, the one he won’t tell you about, and that you know what to do, even though he hasn’t actually asked you to do anything. And you want to know what you should do to win his trust back…Does this make any sense to you? Because, to me, it makes perfect sense: he’s full of sh*t.

Wait, maybe I’m not being clear: He’s full of sh*t. As in, he’s providing you with a thorough mindf*ck that gives him all the power in the situation. Who says you did something wrong? You don’t feel like you did. You’re just assuming you did because he said so. Does that sound fair? Of course not!

Some people aren’t good at ending a relationship. They’d much rather regenerate and come back as a completely different person and pretend like nothing before really counted. Since they’re not Steven Moffat, they instead build up some BS reason to create some distance and make sure it wasn’t their fault. Because that’s all they really care about: themselves.

What he’s doing is selfish. It’s cowardly. It’s manipulative and makes the entire situation one sided: it’s your fault, not his. That’s all he really cares about. He’s done. He’s just such a child that he’s incapable of ending things like an adult.

Don’t bend over backwards trying to navigate all the hoops until your stuck in a timey-wimey loop of guilt and frustration. This isn’t your fault. It’s his. Even if you did something to hurt him (which I doubt was anything intentional or reasonable) that doesn’t make it okay how he’s treating you.

Someone who cares about you, and is capable of caring about you for that matter, would never treat you the way he is. You’re better than him. You deserve better than him. Don’t pound yourself into the ground. Rise up and tell him flat out: “If you want to make this work you’ll use your big boy words and actually talk to me. Otherwise it’s pretty clear you’re just too chickensh*t to end things. I’m not your puppet. I’m not your emotional punching bag. Whatever needs fixing, I can’t and shouldn’t have to do it by myself. And maybe, you need to look at what you need to fix about yourself.”

Be the ball,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

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