“What Do I Do With My Ex From Hell?” [Ask A Dude]

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askadude

Dear Dude,

My boyfriend of a year cheated on me. When I confronted him he denied it. I then went through his phone and he admitted it. He said he cheated on me because I was getting fat, that he had told me to go to the gym and I never did. We never had sex either but I would give him oral pretty regularly. He broke up with me 4 months ago, and is still in contact with me. He calls and texts me like of we are still together.

I don’t understand… And he will question me and see what I’m doing, you know boyfriend stuff. I don’t know what to do. I’m still in love with him. I tried dating this other guy but it’s just not the same, not even the way he touches me. I just got used to my ex.

Please Help Me!!!

Sincerely,

Confused1017

Dear Confused1017,

Let me see if I have all the fixed points of time in order: He cheated on you. He lied to you about it. You caught him in said lie. He then blamed it on you because you’d put on some weight. Then he dumped you. Now he continues to act like your boyfriend even though you’re not together. And you’re having difficulty letting go of him and being with anybody else…Really trying not to lose myself in a berserker rage right now.

First of all, your ex should consider himself lucky that you didn’t set all his sh*t on fire. You had every right. Secondly, the fact you felt like you needed to justify your weight to me, of all people, leads me to believe that he was a cruel and manipulative d-bag.

One pet peeve I have to get out of the way: there’s never any good reason to cheat. Sorry, justify however the f*ck you want to but there just isn’t a good reason to cheat. You break up with the person first and then have sex with the other person. It’s not hard. You’re drunk? You’re fault. “It just happened?” Bullsh*t. You felt like you couldn’t say no? That’s not cheating, that’s rape. You’re bored? Tough sh*t, doesn’t give you the right to violate the trust you committed to. He cheated on you first? Then why the Hell didn’t you break up with him then? Because cheating to get back at someone ain’t the way to settle the score. Then to blame the fact that you’ve broken the trust you’ve built with someone you claim to care for, that you’ve built a relationship with, on the fact that they got heavier is lower than the lowest of the low of the scummiest scum on the face of the Earth. It’s an act that says he didn’t give a damn about you in the first place. And that’s EXACTLY what you should take it for.

You’re wounded but you’re free. He doesn’t have to have control of this situation. Block his number on your phone. Block him from all of your social media. Block his e-mail. Permanently delete all the photos of him. Anything he left behind, put in the garbage. You need a good cleanse. Getting this assclown out of your left is the best thing that could have happened to you.

It’s brutal the way that he ended things. It’s a kind of hurt that will take months, maybe a year, maybe a bit more to recover from. You have to be ready to date again. You need to be ready to do it on your own terms and as part of your own healing. Again, you’ve got to be ready. And that takes longer than we sometimes hope it will. That’s why things with this other guy didn’t feel right. You didn’t just get used to your ex, you got used by your ex.

The best thing you can do is get angry. You have a right to some righteous anger. You should be unbelievably PO’d at him. Not at yourself. You did nothing wrong. It wasn’t your fault he couldn’t keep it in his pants. None of this is your fault. It is up to you now to muster your resolve and cut the cord. Time to put this awful experience and relationship in your rearview mirror. It’s harder than it sounds but there are practical and small steps to take first. When he figures out what you’re doing he’s going to try to push back into your life and it’s up to you not to let him. Turn to your friends, to your family, to anyone who you can get support from. Even a counselor if you need that extra help. There’s no shame for what happened to you. The shame is on him.

Move forward. Take care of yourself. Bar the bastard from having ANYTHING to do with you. He doesn’t have that right and you’re under no obligation to give it to him.

You can do this,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

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