The inevitable dry spell. Even Katy Perry has them and she has, like, 50 million twitter followers and horrible taste in men so it shouldn’t be that hard for her. Sometimes in life you have to admit you are thirsty. Sometimes in life you need the D and that is OK. Channel that energy into destroying the male population. (If you’re not into dudes, I know you get thirsty too but, like, still, feel free to destroy human males in some other way.)
1. You can’t eat a banana without thinking bout dat D.
2. When the doctor said you had a vitamin D deficiency, you were like, “I know, slim pickings on Tinder.”
3. Your friends have to drag you out of the party by the weave so that you don’t go home with any snot-nosed buster.
4. Whenever your friends commune into the customary circle of dick pic sharing, you squirm in embarrassment. Still nothing to show. Maybe next time, ladies.
5. You have nothing to talk about during the relationship banter at brunch. “These eggs sure are . . . egg-y. This coffee sure is coffee-y.”
6. You wear your club gear to Wal-mart and work because: “You never know when you’ll run into Mr. Right. Got to look cute 24/7. Please kill me.”
7. You’re scanning passages of Fifty Shades of Grey for the “good parts.”
8. There are no usable Double A batteries in your house. You know why.
9. You think about Drake . . . . a lot.
10. Whenever anyone makes eye contact with you on public transportation you piercingly stare at them and wonder what their naughty bits look like.