Look it’s not that autumn is objectively bad or anything, it’s not even that it’s my least favorite season. Nothing is worse than winter but the fact that fall is the transition into winter makes it pretty odious. Fall is ominous and foreboding. It brings many good things like Thanksgiving, delicious seasonal foods and semi-decent weather but it’s allure is really what makes it deceptively evil.
Autumn is a reminder that all the fun is about to be over because snow and bone-chilling coldness are looming and that although those things will come in full force you’re still expected to function at the same level. I am one of those people who is very emotionally affected by the change of the seasons, often feeling invigorated during summer and deeply blegh during winter.
Fall comes and gradually takes away all the things I love about summer until I am left with nothing but a big puffy coat, trapped in a polar vortex, counting the days until I can wear crop tops again . . .
This list may seem a little premature but the weather is already cooler and Pumpkin Spice Lattes are readily available, so fall is here whether it actually is or isn’t.
1. The reminder that time is ephemeral because as soon as I can start wearing my cute leather jacket it immediately is too cold to wear it.
2. My birthday is in fall which means I am AGING.
3. I have to hear about everyone’s excitement over Pumpkin Spiced Lattes so it’s hard for me to get excited about it even though I actually am.
4. It means summer is over.
5. The flowers BEGIN TO DIE.
6. The trees are bare and sad.
7. Public transportation is oversaturated with loud, annoying teens going to and fro from school.
8. It is cold out but not cold enough for public transportation to turn off the air conditioning.
9. It is cold but not cold enough for my apartment building to turn the heat on.
10. Sometimes the days get really hot and trick you into believing everything will be OK. It will not be OK.
11. The days get shorter.
12. Halloween comes up and it is always the most disappointing holiday.
13. It’s the holidays so eat everything and gain 1,000 pounds of hot chocolate.
14. I have to wear tights under all of my cute dresses and skirts.
15. I have to put away all of my amazing summer clothes.
16. I have to find a place to put all of my amazing summer clothes.
17. I have to spend one million dollars on cleaning all of my cold weather clothing.
18. I am light sensitive so the less light there is the less upbeat I am.
19. I spent a nice chunk of money on my sandals and only got to wear them for a few months.
20. Any kind of pleasant stroll is cut short by the darkness, windiness or coldness.
21. Summer rain is refreshing, fall rain is uncomfortable and sad.
22. All I want to do is veg out.
23. Can’t go to the beach.
24. All of my fave TV shows come back on which is great but it gives me an excuse to never leave the house again and live off of Dominos pizza.
25. Avocados no longer taste good.
26. Even though I am not in school anymore, fall always makes me feel the anxiety of having to go back to school.
27. My mom’s birthday is the day after mine and it reminds me that she is getting older and we don’t have a lot of time left together :(.
28. I already brown but I get very pale for a brown person, OK.
29. No more rooftop parties.
30. No more BBQs.
31. Sports. Uuuuuuuuugh.
32. Black Friday. Uuuuuuuuuuugh.
33. Cold toes that don’t get warm under any circumstances even if you layer socks and sleep with 25 comforters. COLD TOES.
34. The streets are sad and desolate as opposed to vivacious and buzzing with happy people doing happy things.
35. No more street fairs or food fairs or fairs to stroll through.
36. Waiting in line for a food truck at 3AM when it is freezing cold because you are drunk and starving is no bueno.
37. TIME IS FLEETING. LIFE IS EMPTY. CATS.