Solo Dates and Mental Breakdowns: “Bachelor in Paradise” Recap, Episode 4

Celebrity Style From The 66th Annual Primetime EmmysCelebrity Style From The 66th Annual Primetime Emmys
37 Reasons Why Fall Is About To Be The Worst Season37 Reasons Why Fall Is About To Be The Worst Season

JACKIE PARR, JESSE KOVACS

I can’t explain how mad I was when I realized there were four hours of this show on in a row, but here we are. And to be honest, it was pretty entertaining.

Robert received the first date card pretty immediately after the rose ceremony. The good news is he actually took Sara, the woman to whom he has consistently been giving roses to, so I appreciated that. Michelle Money did not appreciate this, and she spent the rest of the night crying in the bathroom.

I am pretty sure Michelle Money is having a mental breakdown in fact. She cries a lot and complains about being alone forever and how she’s doing dating wrong. It is a pretty sad week to be Michelle Money.

Cody has finally arrived!! And as per usual Michelle has already decided that this could be her new man. It literally didn’t matter who he was, she just saw a man on the beach and she saw hope. In a pleasant twist, Cody asked Clare — and she handled this all quite, quite well. Clare took Cody aside to explain why she was hesitant, and Cody pushed her real hard for a date. Also, he had a great point. Clare said she had already begun a relationship with Zack and Cody stated they had been dating for 6 days. SIX days you guys, and Clare is already exclusively committed.

Once Clare decided to stick with Zack, he gave his date card to Marcus — not to take Marcus on a bro date ( which actually would have been great)—but so that Marcus could have a great night with his lady friend. He didn’t think it would be cool to tell everyone he was here for Clare, and then pick a back up when she said no. Slow clap, Cody. Slow clap.

The best thing about Marcus and Lacy’s date, is that she hopes it will be the night they say they love each other. Ahem. It’s been what, 10 days? Sure, now they love each other. That’s nice!

Ugh, KALON is the next guy. I remember him from Emily’s season, he referred to Emily’s daughter as baggage, and got kicked the F out. Also he’s kind of squirrely. And said he wanted to zip line into her “t*ts” and motorboat the sh*t out of her. I don’t know why I felt the need to censor that sentence, but it was so aggressive and gross. Ew. Why did she say yes, you guys?

Apparently she didn’t know why either. Drunk Michelle is way more desperate than sober Michelle. She went over to him the next day and rejected the date card—loved it. He then asked Jackie, she said no. Then Sara, she said hard pass. After everyone rejects him, he chooses to go alone. He didn’t even ask a dude friend to go with him. As gross as Kalon is, this was a good decision. A little solo adventure. I can also assume that Elan was there so it’s almost like he went on a date with Elan.

Jesse comes in next, and he absolutely crushes it. This is the guy you want to see storm the beach, not Kalon. His beard game is on point, as is his linen pant game. Unfortunately he appears to be kind of a dick.

Jackie and Jesse go on the next date, and it is pretty gorgeous. It is a very romantic one on one date in the middle of a cave. This dude is very much just playing a game and wants a rose, and he sees Jackie as his only shot. Pretty scummy, but I suppose that’s the nature of the game.

AshLee apparently hates Clare. As soon as she thinks the camera isn’t on her, she starts blasting Clare, going on and on about how Zack shouldn’t date her because she effed someone in the ocean, she’s disgusting, blah blah blah. As soon as she realizes there is a camera on her, she starts feeling completely guilty and running around the house telling everyone what happened.

This was amaze. People always say “she’s a totally different person when the cameras are on her” and you never really believe it. But seriously, AshLee was a TOTAL B for those 10 minutes, and she continued to talk about how things were different once she knew there was a camera. She also started crying on camera about how Clare hurt her feelings when she didn’t want to hug it out, but then when she was off camera just mumbled “what a bitch.” I see you, AshLee. I see you.

In the 2 days or however long this drama was going on for, AshLee didn’t even tell Graham what had happened. I was quite glad that Michelle told him, and even more glad that Graham took it seriously. Have I said lately what a great dude he is?

AshLee offers him the rose, and he just walks off the stage. Proving that she makes all of the wrong decisions, AshLee doesn’t even follow him—Michelle does.

Unfortunately, we have to wait until tonight to see what happens. Yes, there is another two hour episode on tonight. Lucky us?

[Lead image via]

Comments