How big of a deal is it to guys to lose the proverbial “it”? Is it a big deal? Is it no big deal? Is it more important just to get rid of “it” or do guys put “it” on a pedestal? There are a lot of ways guys see what it means to turn in their V-card. The one thing that I can report for sure is: It’s a bigger deal the longer you haven’t lost “it”.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the average dude will lose his virginity at 16.9 years of age (compared to 17.4 years-old for women). About 12% of guys lose their virginity between the ages of 19 and 25. Being a member of that 12% makes your V-card feel like a much heavier weight to carry. There’s absolutely an expectation for guys that they SHOULD lose their virginity before high school ends. Movies like “American Pie” have driven that stereotype forever. Mainly though, it’s the fact that most of our guy friends have already lost theirs and you don’t want to be the ONE who hasn’t. Not saying it’s logical or nice or admirable, but there’s an acceptance and a feeling of growing up that we assume we’ll get when we final do the dirty deed. Then of course you do it and most of the time there isn’t quite that feeling.
Going to college a virgin is like going to Hogwarts by intercepting the invitation of someone else’s owl. You’re ashamed and feel like you’re hiding something from everybody around you. You assume that you are the ONLY person there who hasn’t lost “it.” Which you’ll come to find isn’t true but then the pressure really does start to f*ck with you. I know several guys who were virgins when we started college. Of course, they didn’t talk about it until they were super drunk or after they’d just crossed the threshold. They all said they thought that something was wrong with them. That they had some kind of sex repellent pheromones. One of them had thought about trying to find a sex worker, another had a profile on every grimy hook up website you can think of, while another guy just decided to stop trying altogether. No surprise in hindsight, the guy who decided to stop trying to “get rid of it” was the first one of them to get laid.
Nurture is the biggest factor in what it means to a guy to lose his virginity. If he’s raised to believe that sex is a sacred bond, and does in fact share that belief, then there’s a pressure to NOT lose “it” unless it’s with the “one.” That makes for a whole different set of pressures. If he’s brought up where sex is no big deal then it’s not a big deal outside of the social hierarchy of his friends. One thing’s for sure though, we all have a part of us that wonder if sex is going to change our lives. Will we suddenly be taller? Will we magically become uber confident? Will we suddenly be able to have sex whenever we want because we did it once? Most of us don’t realize the answer is: Not really.
A lot of guys I talked to are almost embarrassed to talk about how good their first time was. Oh, they’ll lay all the details about before and after but the truth of the matter is that being a first-timer at ANYTHING, means you’re not going to be very good at it. Especially if you’re sexual partner is a virgin, too, the sex just isn’t going to be mind-blowing or life-altering in and of itself. It can’t be. You need practice. You need practice with each other. It’s the only way you do get better. We don’t grow 3 inches, in any direction. We aren’t suddenly different people. If you have confidence issues before losing your virginity, you’ll still have them afterward. You just won’t have them about losing your virginity anymore. And just because you have sex one time, or with one person for a little while, doesn’t mean you’ll find someone else immediately to do it with. One of my friends lost his virginity when he was a junior in high school and didn’t have sex again until he was a sophomore in college.
Sex is a lot of hype for guys. It rarely ever makes them feel the way they think it will. That’s because we CAN’T understand how having sex might actually affect us until we’ve had it. Instead we listen to what other people tell us it should mean. We use what others say it should mean as a guide to what we think it will mean. It’s definitely a moment where we feel like we’ve come of age. Hopefully. The act is over before we think it will be. We aren’t as good at it as we hoped we would be. And nothing fundamentally changes about us once it’s over. Except something definitely has.
Let it be,
[Lead image via Pressmaster/Shutterstock]