My freshman dorm was basically something out of a horror movie. There was all the gore that’s necessary to terrify your average freshie. Blood, guts (when people puked ‘em out), and other bodily fluids that were mysterious (it was better that way). In the movies, dorms are somehow ridiculously gorgeous and spacious, even for lowly freshmen. They’re decorated perfectly and even color coordinated. In the real world, freshman dorms are best when they’re horrific grime-buckets (it’s science). By the time you’re an upperclassmen you’ll miss your garbage dump of a room, roommate included. Once you’re paying rent and living on your own, you’ll realize that rooming almost on top of 50 of your closest friends made life easy. While you’ll never live somewhere that fun ever again, you’ll also (hopefully) never live somewhere that doubles as a danger zone and hazardous waste site. Here’s how to know if your dorm is better for raging than sleeping:
1. You’re pretty sure that if you somehow forgot your shower shoes one day you’d catch all of the diseases. All of them.
2. At one point every single toilet in the communal bathroom was broken.
3. The damage reports announce when condoms are found in extremely strange places (the vending machine, anybody?).
4. There’s no way the study lounge would hold up under a black light investigation, Room Raiders style.
5. The guys in your dorm sometimes think the stairwell doubles as a bathroom. They’re wrong.
6. Is it possible to hire a live-in exterminator instead of an RA?
7. You’re v. familiar with your handymen, because the dorm hasn’t had work done since the (18)70s.
8. You have personally apologized to the cleaning crew, and it wasn’t even your mess.
9. Every single pregame that happens on campus is automatically somewhere on your hall.
10. Sometimes the pregame is better than the party.
11. Your RA has been known to pregame with you.
12. The floor of your room is consistently littered with solo cups.
13. There’s always vodka in the freezer (and literally nothing else, ever, except maybe ice cream or pizza if you’re really lucky).
14. You can almost always smell illicit substances emanating from someone’s room.
15. Even your adorable bedding can’t distract from the fact that your room could double as a set on OITNB.
16. At some point in time, someone on your floor had an inflatable pool (bonus points if it was full of confetti).
17. It’s guaranteed that there’s always someone walk of shaming to or from your dorm.
18. Someone’s always wearing an elaborate costume (even if it’s just for a secretary party).
19. Eskimo sisters run so rampant that you’re convinced you’re living in an igloo.
20. You know every single song your next door neighbors are listening to (and you know exactly what they’re doing, even when you don’t want to).
21. There’s always someone down for a mid-week (or midnight) drink.
22. You heard there’s a kitchen somewhere in the building (because someone almost burned it down making pizza), but you’re too scared to see for yourself because you know the mess people make.
23. You see the same guys regularly lurking on your floor, and it’s always with different ladies.
24. On any given night, at least one of your floor mates is “watching a movie.”
25. There’s always someone you MOed you’re forced to avoid making eye contact with the next day.
26. Someone always has a fake to borrow, even if it looks more like McLovin than you.
27. The quad will always be more crowded with people tanning and “doing work” than the study lounge ever is.
28. For the rest of your college career (and life) you’ll tell everyone that your dorm was the best, and you’ll fight anyone who thinks otherwise.