There’s a lot of things I would do to go to Coachella for free — lay in a pit of snakes, get roasted on Comedy Central, pretty much anything in the first round of Fear Factor — I’m going to take a hard pass on the opportunity if it means heading to Indio with Gordie.
In a Craigslist ad that has since been deleted, a 56-year-old man who recently divorced his wife of 11 years in search of a life of fun offers an all-expenses paid trip to Coachella. But as with all things that sound too good to be true, there’s a catch. In this case, there are several large catches.
Gordie laid out a list of 20 conditions that the right “travel companion” should have, and it’s a DOOZY. Let’s break it down…and decide whether seeing Beyonce, Radiohead, and Kendrick Lamar is worth hanging out with Buffalo Bill for the weekend.
1. Must be female between the ages of 19 and 25
Red flag #1 (of many), but at least he kept it above 18 for legal reasons. Are you a lawyer, Gordie?
2. Must be comfortable traveling in a Recreational Vehicle (Vintage Shasta Chinook 3100 – pic attached).
Of the 19 Bachelor rejects that haven’t been turned off by the first condition, at least eight have just dropped out at the thought of living in an RV for the weekend rather than the $6 million dollar mansion their pals are renting.
3. Must have fashionable sense of style in the vein of typical coachella goer (i.e. cute indian headband, small ripped jean shorts, lots of colorful bracelets, etc).
Fine, this is what she would have worn anyway. But my question is what Gordie plans on wearing…
4. Preferably have a playlist of various Coachella artists on phone we can listen to on ride over.
This is actually the only condition that makes any sense to me.
5. Must keep hands and feet moisturized at all times.
Like I said, Buffalo Bill in the flesh.
6. Must be open-minded and opportunistic.
…about hooking up with a 56-year-old man.
7. Must be ok with periodic hand-holding (perhaps during certain sensual songs and while walking into the festival initially).
No one would be surprised if this simple read, “We will be handcuffed together for the duration of the festival.”
8. Fingernails and Toenails must be nicely painted and harmonious with general color scheme of outfit.
Do you know how hard it is to find polish that is “harmonious” with my clothes? Not that I’ve ever tried, but I definitely won’t be doing full color changes while I’m at a festival.
9. I will provide snacks such as beef jerky and peanut butter sandwiches but if you have additional snacks and/or drinks…BIG BONUS!
Only guys can subside on beef jerky and PB, buddy. And you forgot to mention that you’ll be packing the roofies.
10. Being social is fine but no excessive fraternizing with other male festival-goers, and most definitely NO PUBLIC AFFECTION with other festival-goers (violation of this rule results in immediate removal of Tropic Motor Motel room privileges and maybe even return ride).
We’ve got a jealous one on our hands, ladies.
11. Periodic moments of extended eye contact.
12. Allow me to brush your hair once per day (not mandatory, but encouraged).
Actually, go for it. It’s going to be a mess after a day of sweating at the festival.
13. Must not be into drugs, pot ok.
But you’re going to a music festival…
14. Must take a minimum of four photos of us together and post them to your Instigram account.
Gordie’s trying to up his Instagram game. I respect that.
15. Any personal grooming such as toenail clipping, eyebrow plucking or lipstick application must be done in my presence.
How many pairs of underwear do you think Gordie’s gonna go through on this trip?
16. At least once during festival, you must allow me to carry you on my shoulders so you can see stage better (perfect time for instigram photo!)
You best believe Gordie is just going to act as a personal step stool the entire weekend.
17. At least twice during the festival you must tell me in a playful manner that ‘I am naughty’.
Pray tell, when would this possibly come up?
18. At some point in time during the festival you must tell me that ‘you didn’t know how this would go, but you’re actually having a really good time’.
Forced good time for the win!
19. At least once during our stay after your shower, you must use the steam to write a cute message on the bathroom mirror for me to find later when I shower.
Some “cute message” ideas:
- “You’re next.”
- “Have a nice dump.”
- “Ever see Psycho?”
20. Must be ready to party and HAVE FUN!
…While letting me watch your clip your toenails.