OMG, do they do this cheesy of an intro every season?
How many seasons are there, anyhow?
Are the judges consistent, like American Idol in the glory days, or varying like America’s Next Top Model (also in the glory days)?
Wow, in retrospect, are any reality shows still in their glory days?
Why didn’t Normani get more praise? She was flawless!
Is a Viennese waltz a hard one to do?
Which of these dances are challenging?
Shouldn’t they tell us that when they score the dancers?
Are the judges afraid to critique Nancy Kerrigan because of, you know, her history?
Am I on glue, or is that Night at the Roxbury guy the worst dancer to ever grace the planet?
WHY ARE THEY TELLING HIM THEY LIKED IT?
Why are these judges so nice? Isn’t it their job to judge?
Also, is Chris Karran actually disappointed in himself, or is he being satirical?
Does anyone else think bull-riding is super harmful to animals, and therefore not at all sexy?
OMG, has Charo ever been critiqued before? She’s about to do something drastic.
WHY ARE YOU HERE, NICK VIALL????
Where is Vanessa, the supposed love of your life who you just don’t love enough to make compromises and move to Canada for even though you are literally unemployed and she has her entire career there?
Did you make her move here so you could be on another reality TV show, you living human garbage can?
Also, why is your shirt cut so low?
*insert “He ruined my life” sequence from Mean Girls*
Why does everyone think Heather is “cheating,” when she’s never done ballroom dance before?
Does anyone else just envision Beyoncé whenever they look at her?
Also, WHERE is that Greek-goddess gown from?
Why did they like that baseball performance?
Did I see a different performance?
Also, why does everyone keep calling him old? He’s not that old???
Okay, what is going on with this Erika Jayne slut-shaming? Oh, thank God, Julianne Hough is defending her.
Is Julianne Hough in anyone else’s dream threesome?
What do you mean, you don’t have a dream threesome?
Is Mr. T. okay? He seems sad.
Was Laurie Hernande Simone Biles-level talented?
Will I watch this next week? (TBH, probably.)