New day, new cringey story found within the depths of the dark internet.
For some insane reason, you are now going to be able to buy a pizza bikini.
Yup, you heard me right.
Apparently, July 5 is National Bikini Day, so to celebrate, Villa Italian Kitchen is going to be selling a bikini made completely of edible pizza.
The bikini is going to be crafted out of braided homemade pizza dough, whole milk cheese, pepperoni and sauce made with California tomatoes.
I just really need to emphasize that this ENTIRE bikini is 100% made of pizza and 100% edible. Maybe it’s just me, but I really need to make that very clear.
So, here’s the thing. You haven’t even heard the most worst part yet. Are you ready? Really, really ready?
Well, this pizza bikini is going to be selling for $10,000.
Let us just take a minute to think about all thing things you could buy for $10,000: a nine-day tour of the Amazonian jungle, an entire Hobbit home replica, real diamond-studded jeans and tickets to the Olympics. Most of these things are fairly ridiculous, yet all of them make more sense than a pizza bikini!
To put it even more into perspective, you can buy FIFTEEN Gucci bikinis AND a large pizza from Domino’s for the same price as a single pizza bikini.
For those interested in putting pizza where pizza should never be, you can slide into Villa Italian Kitchen’s DMs and they will set up an initial consultation with you to take your measurements and fully customize the suit, which I should mention is available for one day only.
Now that we have the facts laid out, I have so many questions.
First, where would it actually be appropriate to wear this bikini? The beach seems like an unrealistic idea because you would get sand all over the cheese and pepperoni. The pool also seems out because you would be outside at risk for animals being attracted to your clothing and last time I checked pizza is not waterproof so getting into a pool when wearing this could go from PG to NC-17 real quick. You also couldn’t wear it in public because most places have a ‘no shirt no shoes no service’ policy. I guess this literally leaves your house? But even then you would have to make sure to not sit down anywhere cause you don’t want the grease to stain.
My second question: why hasn’t Villa Italian Kitchen fired its entire marketing staff? I would really just love to get into the heads of their PR staff to know who thought this was a good idea, or a good enough idea to give it the green light.
If you are one of the few who is interested in this bikini, all I can say is good luck, you are really going to need it.
If you love pizza and love bikinis but don’t feel the need to fully combine the two, there are many options for printed pizza bikinis out there on the internet. You can’t eat them… but you can actually wear them.