There was an oh-so-charming piece published in Esquire last week written by a gentleman who is fed up with all the mediocre sex he's having. Despite the fact that sex requires (at least) two participants, he put the onus of his inadequate sex life on his partners. Because there's nothing sexier than a dude who refuses to take any responsibility. Am I right, ladies?
My enthusiasm for blowjobs is a recent occurrence. A couple of years ago, I was fairly neutral on the act. When I was in high school, I was absolutely adamant that I would never, ever, in a million years, give one. I thought they were degrading, uncomfortably submissive, and something only women with no self-respect would do (I'm utterly ashamed of my younger self).
When I was a virgin, I had all kinds of preconceived notions about sex. I assumed quickies were only for select occasions - mainly impromptu, possibly clandestine encounters and/or for when you were merely pressed for time. After a couple of years of fornication experience, I've reached the conclusion that quickie sex is the best sex.
I've watched a bit of porn in my day - celebrity sex tapes, professional pornos and amateur attempts. I've watched straight, gay, lesbian, threesome, BDSM, interracial and more. I've watched it solo and with the boyfriend. But nothing ever clicks. I always feel so detached from the action that's on screen. It doesn't evoke much of anything from me, mentally or physically.
How many of us have been in a situation where we're hooking up and the guy just slides in without much warning? Or how many of us have encountered men who are absurdly petulant when their partner asks them to put one on? They always have a litany of excuses or justifications -- "It doesn't feel as good"/"I can't stay hard with one on"/"I'm clean, don't you trust me?"
So I was listening to the (justifiably) uber-controversial extended mix of "Birthday Cake" by Rihanna and Chris Brown today. I ended up being distracted by one line in particular - "Put a candle on my back, baby, blow it." In other words, she wants someone to blow her back out, one of the most popular euphemisms for aggressive sex.
Whether it's in the form of Rihanna singing about how whips and chains excite her, Chelsea Handler writing a memoir about one night stands or regular girls blogging explicitly about their sex lives, ladies are definitely not afraid to be open about their sexual proclivities. I'm a firm supporter of being open about sex, breaking taboos and refraining from treating sex like it's something grimy and shameful. However, sometimes I wonder how much of this openness is actually about finding empowerment.
Occasionally, despite my generally laissez-faire, non-judgmental attitude towards sex, there are a few things that perturb me. Rape, of course. Slut shaming. Abstinence-only sex education. And ignorance about contraception.
From an American perspective, the rhetoric is either, "Sex is awesome, and if you're not having it, your life fails to have any meaning" or "If you're having sex, you're a dirty heathen who deserves to burn in eternal damnation." This is so dysfunctional, and I really feel it does more harm than good.
We all know the cultural significance of the g-spot - it leads to rainbows, unicorns and $100 bills squirting from your vag if stimulated properly. There has been a lot of debate over the years as to whether it even exists, since the vast majority of women cannot orgasm from vaginal penetration alone.
Booty Parlor is a line of products that were created with women's sexuality in mind, whether she's single or in a relationship. It is a brand that encourages women to indulge in their sexiness, free of shame or self-consciousness.
I know, giving is just as important as receiving. Sex is about all parties involved, and I absolutely believe that no one should feel deprived of pleasure after a hook up. But everyone has their limits, their deal breakers, their things that they're just not that into.
It's that time of year where we all take stock of our lives, realize we're hot messes and resolve to change our behavior...for about two weeks. Because while eating healthier, working out more and generally being a more mature person are worthy aspirations that we should all work towards, we would be remiss if we failed to acknowledge that our sex lives could always use a little work.
So, in between endless reruns of A-List and RuPaul's Drag Race, LOGO airs a gem called Bad Sex. Ten people with varying levels of sexual dysfunction all seek help, but unlike most other "tough love" type reality shows, the person from whom they're receiving therapy is a) sex positive and b) a certified sex therapist. Last week, I had the opportunity to interview Chris Donaghue, star of Bad Sex, and ask him about some of the sexual dysfunctions featured on the show.
'Tis the season to be jolly, to count thy blessings, and to make itemized lists of all the things you want. I used to wish for an easy bake oven, then Justin Timberlake's hand in marriage, then an unlimited supply of Louboutins...oh, wait, I could still definitely go for that. In addition to a shoe closet to rival Mariah Carey's (and world peace), I also wish for a shift in our collective sexual culture.
A couple of weeks ago, my editor forwarded me a fierce press release and asked me if I wanted to interview Dr. Jennifer Landa. She's a gynecologist/entrepreneur who specializes in helping ladies get their sexy back. How could I not take the opportunity to talk to someone whose entire career is based on empowering women to have better sex?
There are a lot of things about sex that invoke a lot of judgment and pearl-clutching - sex before marriage, promiscuity, STDs, porn, fetishes...and sexting. Maybe this is only my perception, but it seems like sexting is something that people get extremely riled up about. Particularly when sexting goes public.
One aspect of my life that I'm truly grateful for is the sexual sphere. I write a lot about the things that I don't like but I'm feeling all mushy and soft, so I'm going to indulge in this fleeting positive feeling.
I know plenty of women who say that they find themselves even more horny on their period than at any other time of the month. And yet, period sex is still something that seems kind of taboo. I'm sure part of it stems from our (as ladies) discomfort and overall icky feeling. But I also feel like a lot of it is because dudes, in general, are completely repulsed.
As a heterosexual woman, I've internalized the idea that penis is the end-all and be-all of the sexual experience. Whether it's taking it down your throat or into your vagina, being penetrated is generally seen as the standard barometer for adult heterosexual sexytimes.
Last week, I discussed my low libido, and a guy commented bringing up the fact that men feel a lot of pressure from women to be high performers and we don't understand when they go through periods of a lowered sex drive. I was immediately struck by this assertion.
Recently, I've been struggling with my sex drive. Specifically, my utter lack of one. That's not a problem I expected to confront, as I've always had a pretty strong libido. But I had a less than stellar summer - between my quasi-forced celibacy, feverishly searching for a new place to live, my soul-crushing job, and an utterly disgusting diet, I wasn't at my best.
Every once in awhile, I'll hear dudes lament how handjobs became obsolete past high school. It's true enough, I suppose. At some point, oral and intercourse replaced the handy. In theory, I totally understand why some dudes miss the HJ - I still enjoy a good fingerbang probably more often than is "normal" for someone over the age of 17. But I refuse to do my part to bring handjobs back.
Getting to know someone else's body is a learning process. Sometimes there's a very steep curve, depending on level of intuitiveness, experience and communication. Some people can pick up cues far quicker and better than others and all is well, while sometimes...you're laying on your back, staring at the ceiling and thinking of your to-do list for the next six months.
I stopped having sex with my boyfriend, regularly, for almost six months. It wasn't a total sex desert -- we went on a couple of trips during this time (hotel sex is amazeballs), and sometimes he'd go house-sit for his parents when they were out of town and I'd tag along. But, for the most part, my vag was closed for business.