Young girls sobbing, clawing out at a stray shirttail, an errant sleeve, or maybe a baggy pant leg. They shake with excitement and shout “I love you!” at the top of their lungs as the object of their affection passes by. They are eternally grateful for even the smallest sign of acknowledgement, clinging to a wink or nod as a shipwrecked sailor might to floating debris.

“I’m trying to be the man of her dreams. That’s why I got this tattoo – to be someone.” And so began Kasey’s downward spiral on the latest episode of The Bachelorette, which was, without a doubt, the most entertaining part of last night’s episode.

That horse has got a face only a mother could love. Well, a mother and six-year-old Maddison Biddlecombe, who saved this poor little guy (deemed “lethally ugly”) from a date in pony heaven. Diego suffers from Wry Nose Syndrome, which hinders his ability to eat grass and win hearts. Well, most hearts.

Each season the fashion mags publish their “Must Have Fashion” lists and each season I’m left drooling over Marc, Louis, and McQueen, wishing that my bank account was a little fuller. OK, a lot fuller. And it’s worse in the summer. Summer trends are among my favorite: the sunglasses, bikinis, embellished tank tops, and all the wonderful accessorizing opportunities! It’s a party in my head… until I hit that one item that makes me want to vomit.

I’m not a scientist, nor am I a statistics analyzer, but I’d be willing to bet the majority of lies embellishments you’ve told recently have been directed at the men in your life. That’s just the way it goes. You hit college and suddenly the dating field is a battleground. It’s every girl for herself and if you’ve got to fib your way into the arms of Mr. Wonderful, then so be it.

Dear Kristen Stewart, You’re kinda new to this whole superstar thing. I get that. Sure you did movies before, but ever since Twilight’s wild success, your career has completely taken off. I’ve read a lot of interviews wherein you say odd things (“I don’t want to make movies for kids, and I don’t want to make movies for adults either.”) and you’re more than awkward when people ask you questions.

We’ve all been there. You break up with your boyfriend, fight with your Bio lab partner, resent your freshman year roommate for getting a better internship than you. In a booze-fueled rage you sit at your computer at 2am going through Facebook, wanting so badly to cut these people off altogether.

Shopping for a man who constantly tells you to stop shopping is a really tough job. Father’s Day is right around the corner and I can’t help but feel the tie/socks/homemade tchotchke trifecta is a little overplayed, but what do you get for the man who thinks Teva sandals and pleated khakis are socially acceptable?

In every dorm room and apartment I’ve shared with friends, I’ve wanted to get a communal landline and implement the message corkboard. In reality, Saturday afternoons were spent on the couch watching Housewives marathons and being jarred out of a trance as our cell phones vibrated and beeped. Todd says: “Nice 2 meet U last nite. Going out agn?” Mark says: “Wut up?”

Once every four years, an event comes along that is so globally significant, so life altering, that it brings old men to tears. No, I’m not talking about the presidential election or Olympic figure skating. Ladies and gentlemen, dust off your vuvuzelas (no, that’s not something you need the gyno to find) and get ready for the World Cup.