When I was in middle school and I had to choose between two boys who wanted to take me to the 7th grade dance, my mom told me to make a list. (Mind you, that was the last time I ever had 2 boys fighting over me…) After noting that one of the boys had far more cons (like picking his nose…and eating it), I had my answer. Since then, I’ve used lists to make all of my difficult life decisions: beer or vodka, Kris Allen or Adam Lambert, flats or wedges…

And now: which celeb is worse for the future of society.

This week’s showdown is between two ladies who are tainting our youth, one racy photo at a time: Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus. Who is wreaking more havoc? Let’s break it down:

Disney Career

Miley Cyrus, or should I say Hannah Montana, was abducted into the Disney cult at the young age of rwelve. With a hit TV show, spin-off movie, and record deal, I’m not sure if Miley will be hanging up that hideous blond wig any time soon.

Lindsay Lohan, also paid her Disney dues, starring in The Parent Trap, Life Size, Freaky Friday, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, and Herbie Fully Loaded. Sadly, the freckles faded (or perhaps were spray tanned over) and Lindsay broke her ties to Disney to pursue other acting gigs

Point: Miley Cyrus. Maybe it’s time Miley moved on to bigger and better things (it’s not like all those Disney movies did Lindsay any good, anyway). Besides, that whole double persona thing confuses the crap out of me.

Racy Pics

Miley Cyrus started small with some provocative bff pics, you know, just sharing a gummy worm with the bestie, eating lollipops, and rolling around on the ground together. But that was just the beginning. Soon after, Miley was jonesing for more Lolita love and stripped down to her skivvies. I like to refer to these as the panty pics, because, for God knows what reason, Miley decided to hold a photo sesh in her underwear (Myspace style). Of course the pictures leaked. I’ve been saving the best for last, because for her grand finale, Miley graced the cover of Vanity Fair in nothing but a sheet. Everybody on Team Miley lost their sh*t and denied any involvement in the decision. Hey, she ‘s just being Miley, right?

Lindsay Lohan posed for her Vanity Fair cover in a little white bikini. She waited to reveal her bits a few pages in a la Marilyn Monroe. The whole thing wasn’t terribly scandalous, but don’t you worry, there’s plenty more scandal in Lindsay’s photo past. First, I have two words for you: Fire Crotch. Seemed like Lindsay had something to prove after that little nick name became public. Then there were the  Vanessa Minnilo Knife Pictures.  But who am I to judge, I’m sure it was just your average house party when the knife play got a little out of control. Oh, and how could we forget when Lindsay passed out in that car?! God bless the paparazzi for capturing that gleaming moment in Lindsay’s life.

Point: Lindsay Lohan. A vag flash, knife pic and passing out drunk on camera? The only way Miley could top that is if someone got a shot of her in a threesome with the Jonas Brothers…and all of T.I.’s guns.

Role Model

Miley Cyrus likes to talk about her good morals. This could be great as far as being a role model. Who doesn’t want someone with strong moral values and an awesome work ethic to give kids someone to look up to? Unfortunately, Miley has been a little hypocritical as far as those morals go. Just look at the photo evidence if you don’t believe me.

Lindsay Lohan had a very public lesbian relationship with Samantha Ronson. This could have been a great opportunity for Lindsay to step up as a role model for the gay community and break some of the stereotypes associated with lesbians and bisexuals. Lindsay didn’t really come through, though. There was more focus on the negative instead of the positive in that relationship; drug allegations, restraining orders and public screaming matches don’t exactly promote a healthy image.

Point: Lindsay Lohan. I don’t really think anybody should be looking up to Lindsay Lohan right now.

Branding

Miley Cyrus has Hannah Montana stuff EVERYWHERE. I don’t think I’ve ever went shopping without seeing that big toothy smile. She has DVDs,  wigs, make up, handbags, backpacks, dolls, CDs, books, boardgames, toilet seats… Yes, I said toilet seats. Need I continue?

Lindsay Lohan had her own line of leggings, but right now she’s sticking to spray tan. It sounds like a cruel joke but it’s true – the queen of orange glow is taking her spray tan wisdom to the public with Sevin Nyne.

Point: Miley Cyrus. I know she’s probably raking in the cash, but nobody should ever put their face on a toilet seat. Seriously, she’s just asking to be pissed on.

Fame Whore Parents

Miley Cyrus is the daughter Billy Ray Cyrus (you know, Achey Breaky Heart, Billy Ray Cyrus.) When your dad was once a famous country singer (with chaps and a mullet) who is no longer in the limelight, you are already in danger of crossing into crazy stage-parent territory. Add in that Miley’s dad co-stars in Hannah Montana with her and you have a full fledged fame whore dad. It probably doesn’t help that Billy Ray has that very creepy Joe Simpson vibe going for him either.

Lindsay Lohan’s family loooooooves publicity. Doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad, Dina and Michael Lohan will take any opportunity to talk to a tabloid, call a radio show, or write to a website. I’m surprised they haven’t hired sky writers yet. Like Billy Ray, Dina claims she attempted her own career as a rockette. She settled for a reality show and status as a fame whore parent instead.

Point: Lindsay Lohan. Let’s just say the Lohans are a little more involved in their daughter’s life. And by “involved” I mean “get drunk with her and call the paps to be outside when they leave.”

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Lindsay Lohan. As much as it pains me, I really can’t hate on Miley this time.

Whenever we need to make a difficult decision, we make a list.

“Heels or flats?”
“Pizza or salad?”
“Prada backpack or Skechers?”

So when we are constantly faced with the awful decision of which fame whore is more fame whorey, we make a list. Yes, this is a decision we feel the need to make on a weekly basis. We have a lot of time on our hands.

Moving on.

This week’s showdown is between two celebs that continue to invade our lives, no matter how hard we try to avoid them: Perez Hilton and Ryan Seacrest. Which one would we like to ship off to a small island in the South Pacific first? Do we really have to choose?!

Day Job

Perez Hilton is the (self proclaimed) Queen of All Media. As if the self proclaimed part wasn’t infuriating enough, it boggles my mind as to how Perez has actually made a career out of this fictional job title. Apparently to be the Queen of All Media, all you need is some (creatively acquired) paparazzi pic, Microsoft Paint and the ability to straddle the boarder of what is deemed the acceptable use of the English language. For the last time, spelling sexy as “secksi” does not make you clever or trendy, it makes you illiterate.

Ryan Seacrest may be the actual Queen of All media. That guy is EVERYWHERE. He graces American Idol on a weekly basis, runs a syndicated radio talk show, became an executive producer, hosted Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve, the 2007 Emmy Awards and hosts for E! on a regular basis. He also made a cameo in Knocked Up, and even participated in Fear Factor. Talk about over exposure – when does this this guy have time to sleep?

Point: Perez Hilton. People actually like and trust what Ryan has to say. There is nothing to like or trust about a picture of a penis on someone’s face. Thanks for nothing, Perez.

Style

Perez Hilton has made worst dressed lists numerous times. Of course, everyone is entitled to their own style, but when you pretend to hold some sort of authority on how clothes should be worn, you better damn well know what looks good. Maybe Perez should take a break from attacking celeb outfits and concentrate on his own wardrobe, because last time I checked, shower caps were a big fashion NO. And if that picture isn’t insulting enough, Perez later launched his own fashion line, which of course, failed.

Ryan Seacrest is the poster child for metrosexuality. Let’s see – meticulously styled, perfectly highlighted hair? Check. Teeth so white they glow? Check. Fashionably distressed, dry cleaned jeans? Check. Spray on tan? Double check. The facts don’t lie; Ryan has metrosexual written all over his freshly botoxed forehead.

Point: Perez Hilton. Seriously, leave the shower cap in the shower.

Celeb Feuds

Perez Hilton makes fun of celebrities. In that middle school sorta way. If you have been in any tabloid EVER, Perez has written something mean about you. The man knows no boundaries. Proof? He even calls babies fat. BABIES. It’s no secret that Perez’s latest feud is with Miss California, so we should be expecting him to milk that situation for all its worth for another few weeks while his favorite punching bags wait on the back burner. These celebrities are often affectionately nicknamed something misogynistic and or degrading such as Maniston, Lezlo, and Zaquisha.

Ryan Seacrest is no stranger to celebrity feuds himself. Where to begin… I suppose we should start with the American Idol crew. We’ve all sat through the uncomfortable quips between Ryan and Simon Cowell, but Ryan has also gone on record talking about an “icy” relationship with Paula Abdul as well. Then there’s the feud between Ryan and Charlie Sheen, which erupted after Ryan chose business over friendship and produced Denise Richard’s reality show. And of course, who could forget the time Ryan ripped open Kathy Griffin’s shirt at the American Music Awards?

Point: Ryan Seacrest. I’m going to have to go with quality over quantity here. Perez may have lots of little tiffs, but Ryan has some big beef.

Media Personality

Perez Hilton may be called many things, but he has never been called nice. He has made a career out of being a mean, snarky, gossiping, fame-whore. His website is devoted to very serious newsworthy topics, such as celebrities who forgot to wear panties and hot dudes without their shirts on.

Ryan Seacrest also talks about very serious news worthy issues. He asks the hard hitting questions such as, “What’s the deal with Audrina on The Hills?” Unlike Perez, though, Ryan doesn’t mock the celebs; instead he takes himself and his job very, very seriously.

Point: Ryan Seacrest.  It’s great that Ryan takes his job so seriously, but is an exclusive interview with Lauren Conrad really that important?

Hollywood Hookups

Perez Hilton hasn’t been in the relationship spotlight very often, but when it happens, it happens BIG. Perez is infamous for outting closeted celebrities and, in my opinion, he does so in attempt to date them. Case and point? John Mayer. Perez swore to the high heavens that he and John Mayer shared a passionate kiss. Some people (myself included) thought this may have been yet another desperate publicity stunt, that is, until John Mayer confirmed it.

Ryan Seacrest has been on homosexuality watch for quite some time now. This has not stopped him from hooking up with some  hot Hollywood ladies, including Teri Hatcher and Sheryl Crow.

Point: Perez Hilton. No one’s going to keep kissing you if go shouting it from the gossip sites. Someone should draw a penis on your face, Perez.

Celebretard Prize: Perez Hilton

Whenever we need to make a difficult decision, we make a list. You know, like when we were choosing our favorite cupcake bakery, when we were choosing what to spend our tax refund on, or when we weren’t sure which we loved more: our Prada backpack or our Skechers.

So when are constantly faced with the awful decision of which annoying celebrity is more grating on our nerves, we make a list. Yes, this is a decision we feel the need to make on a weekly basis. We have a lot of time on our hands.

Moving on.

This week’s showdown is between two celebs that continue to invade our lives, no matter how hard we try to avoid them: Rachael Ray and Tyra Banks. Who is makes us want to kill ourselves more? We wish we didn’t have to choose. Let’s break it down:

Career
Rachael Ray landed herself a show on the food network cooking thirty minute meals. She also wrote about cooking thirty minute meals several times. Honestly how many times can you find “new” way to make tacos in a timely manner? Apparently not enough because Rachael then came out with her own cooking magazine. If that wasn’t enough Rachael Ray, we can watch her talk show and Dunkin Donuts commercials as well.

Tyra Banks became a runway model as a teenager and made a career out of it early on. Runway shows, catalogs, TV modeling competitions… she even likes to think she is a fashion photographer. This chick has exhausted the modeling angle and we seem to eat it up. After Victoria’s Secret, Tyra decided to go back to her TV career and became a talk show host. Oh, and don’t tell me you forgot about her recurring role on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air?

Point: Rachael Ray. Rachael won by a magazine. I’m sure Tyra is throwing a tantrum to start her own magazine as we speak, but for now the over-exposure point goes to Rachael.

Talk Show
Rachael Ray likes to wake her guests up in the morning with the voice of a raspy menthol smoker. Seriously, someone needs to lay off the shouting and suck on a Luedens for a few. After a brief talk session, she nauseates her audience with the fresh smell of simmering chili. Why is this a morning show again?

Tyra Banks has a talk show as well, but Tyra mainly likes to talk about herself. No matter what her guests have done, Tyra can one-up them with a fun little anecdote. Homeless guests? Tyra will talk about the time she pretended to be homeless. Overweight guests? Tyra will put on a fat suit for a day and tell us about it. Big boobs? Tyra has bigger boobs. Don’t even try to go up against the hostess with the mostess.

Point: Tyra Banks. Tyra tries to do it all… and fails. You can’t have both! You are either a crazy guest, or a crazy host – never both!

Over-used Catch Phrase
Rachael Ray:
EVOO - Rachael used this gem so god-damn much it is now in the Oxford English Dictionary. I really wish I was joking.

Yum-o! – Why can’t we just say “yummy”? Is it really that different? Why Rachael, why?

Sammies - Once again, I ask why not sandwiches? It’s not that far off and saying the full word will still allow you to complete that meal in under 30 minutes. I really don’t like this cutesy abbreviation trend we have going here. She needs to be stopped.

Tyra Banks:
“Smile with your eyes”- I’m sorry, this can’t be done. We can look happy with our eyes or smile with our mouth, but one cannot smile with their eyes.

“Fierce!”- Not everything is fierce. Runway walking? Yes. Eating a hamburger? No, not fierce.

“I have two beautiful girls standing in front of me….“- We hear this every freaking episode. Enough! We get it, you like repetitive monologues. They are models, they are probably pretty, one has potential…you don’t need to keep saying it.

Point: Rachael Ray. Tyra may be repetitive (and batsh*t crazy), but Rachael is just plain irritating. Really? We need to abbreviate extra virgin olive oil? Oh wait, we need to explain our abbreviation, which defeats the point of an abbreviation? Well then, Rachael gets the point for most annoying catch phrase.

Photos
Rachael Ray posed for an FHM spread a few years ago. She tried to look sexy in a variety of shots where she licked a spoon, washed some dishes and cooked a turkey.

Tyra Banks made a career out of modeling. These days she seems to critique photos more than she poses for them.

Point: Rachael Ray. Both ladies like to ham it up, but maybe Rachael should leave it to the professionals (even if we do like seeing her vs. hearing her talk). Perhaps Tyra could help her find the light… or learn how to smile with those eyes.

Celebrity Idol
Rachael Ray wants to be the next Martha Stewart (give or take the waspy accent). She even has the magazine and television show to prove it. Maybe we’ll even see Rachael in jail sometime soon; that would be fun. She could talk about how much she misses EVOO and make 30 minute meals out of whatever gruel they serve in the clink.

Tyra Banks would love to take over for Oprah. She even has that excited yelling thing down. Little does Tyra know, there is only enough room in the talkshow town for one Oprah, and that one isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Sorry Tyra.

Point: Tyra Banks. There is only one Oprah. Don’t even try.

Celebretard Prize: Rachael Ray

Spring has sprung and bromance is in the air.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but is there anything hotter than two men who are such good friends they are often confused as lovers? I think not. Maybe it’s because they exhibit the exact characteristics I look for in my own relationships with men. Think about it, guys in bromances are sweet and understanding, they crave intimacy and inside jokes, they use nicknames and share common interests, and they aren’t afraid of affection (even with other men). It’s the perfect relationship – and no need to search for the
right diamond engagement rings or plan a wedding!

Of course I would never get in the way of a bromance. It’s just not my style. But I would have no problem, say, nestling into a bromance sandwich. Why break up the friendship when we can make it a threesome (or in some cases, a bromance orgy starring me)? Unfortunately it may be some time before I end up in the same room as the Apatow hotties, so for now I’ll just have to settle for the hottest bromance gallery of all time. Click on each image to get a full size shot and enjoy!

Whenever we need to make a difficult decision, we make a list. You know, like when we were choosing a school, when we were choosing a date to the first sorority date party, or when we weren’t sure which we loved more: our Prada backpack or our Skechers.

So when are constantly faced with the awful decision of which hot mess of a celebrity is more hot messy, we make a list. Yes, this is a decision we feel the need to make on a weekly basis; we have a lot of time on our hands.

Moving on.

This week’s showdown is between two of our favorite celebs to watch (as they completely meltdown into a pile of crazy mush): Amy Winehouse and Britney Spears. Who is more of a train wreck? God, that’s a tough call, so let’s break it down.

Rehab
Amy Winehouse: Amy said she wouldn’t go to rehab, no no no. Yet, after spending quite a few nights on everything from heroin to horse tranquilizers, the troubled singer ended up there. More than once.

Britney Spears: I lost track of how many times Britney headed to rehab. There was the time she checked into Eric Clapton’s Crossroads Centre, and then that time when she was at Promises when she checked in and then back out and then in again. Lets just say Brit Brit knows her way around addiction counseling.

Point: Britney Spears. It’s all in the numbers. Amy may have sang about it, but Britney visited rehab centers more often than I the bathroom during a night of flip cup. And you know that’s often.

Breakdown
Amy Winehouse: Where do we even begin with this one? Amy is no stranger to breakdowns. She has been known to beat up fans, forget her own lyrics on stage, get in bloody fights with her husband, get caught on tape smoking mysterious substances and walk around in a bra exposing her rail thin body.

Britney Spears: Once again we have another long drawn out train wreck. There was that time she attacked the paparazzi with her umbrella, then dated the paparrazzi, tried on a British accent, shaved her head, put on thirty pounds and lost her children in a custody battle all within the span of about a year.

Point: Tie. A breakdown is a breakdown. No winner here. Except the gossip mags.

Hair
Amy Winehouse’s hair is the stuff legends are made of. (It’s also the stuff that animals get caught in.) An entire Halloween section is devoted to that beehive alone. Just think of all the things she can store in there (crack pipes, flasks, lunch…)

Britney Spears shaved her own head. Who knows it if was because of the drug testing or the “make over”  but either way, Britney went bald. And then covered up her bad judgment call with a number of cheap colorful wigs.

Point: Amy Winehouse. Even though both ladies had some pretty daring dos,  Amy is still rocking that signature look While Brit is back to boring blonde.

Inner Circle
Amy Winehouse’s parents were tight with paparazzi throughout her downward spiral. Although they were making it public that they were worried about their daughter, they were still doing so in a public forum. And then there’s Amy’s beloved husband Blake, who personally escorted her to her professional demise and is now sitting behind bars trading pics of his lady for lines of coke.

Britney Spears. Where do you start with this one? Her mom is the ultimate stage mom, her dad has been managing her every move since she was 12, and her sister had a baby at 12. (Ok, 16.) And if all that isn’t dramatic enough, Britney is also connected to a series of shady characters like Adnan Ghalib who may or may not have been working with the paparazzi to profit off of Brit-Brits downward spiral, and Sam Lutfi who may have contributed to it.

Point: Britney Spears. Although both ladies have some serious enablers in their lives, Amy drugged herself. Again and again and again. And again. Britney had no idea what people were putting in her applesauce.

Kids
Amy Winehouse has yet to reproduce. Thank. God.

Britney Spears is the mother to 2 mistakes kids, Jayden James and Sean Preston. Who she has almost killed on multiple occasions.

Point: Britney Spears… At least until Amy has her own children to screw up.

Celebretard Prize: Britney Spears
Yayyyy, Britney! This truly is the year of your comeback!

It’s a comforting constant in my life, much like passing a Starbucks on every corner or finding an episode of Sex and the City on at any time of night. I’ve come to expect it, even enjoy the high pitched squeals, sickeningly sweet smell of body spray, and live rendition of “See You Again.” But after catching a clip of Sean Hannity praising Kim Kardashian for her role model status in young girls’ lives, I started thinking about the idea of celebrities as role models.

I was left with a lot of questions, the most obvious being: does the fact that Kim Kardashian isn’t a hot drunken mess like the rest of young Hollywood really make her a role model? I mean, has Sean Hannity seen the sex tape that made her famous? And what does she do exactly that young girls should look up to? Her reality show? Her curvy body?

It took me a few moments (and a couple shots of whiskey) to get past the idea of  Sean Hannity doing “research” in front of his laptop in a dark room at midnight, and once I did I still had no idea what to think. The whole celebrity-as-role-model thing has me totally torn up.

On the one hand, my biggest fear may soon be realized: a generation of Mini Mileys all grown up. Slim girls in blond wigs walking around chomping on gum and talking with a Southern twang. It’s an image that haunts my dreams.

But I know how irrational that is; I mean, I grew up along with Britney and I’ve yet to shave my head or pump out two babies, so who’s to say girls aren’t smarter than we give them credit for? Maybe people aren’t looking to celebrities to learn how to behave, but actually learn how not to behave. Maybe watching Lindsay Lohan wither away to nothing isn’t inspiring kids to diet, but rather showing the world of impressionable kids that it’s not cute to skip a meal…every day….for a month.

And isn’t it a parent’s job to sort out the good stuff from the bad? To explain to their kids that it’s OK to be an innocent and well-mannered teenager (a la Taylor Swift) and totally not OK to get drunk and show off your panties (a la everyone else in Hollywood)? But at the same time, if we leave the parenting to the actual parents, does that leave celebrities off the hook? Again, I’m perplexed. I can’t even sort out my own thoughts!

What I do know is that no one in the spotlight signed up to mold the minds of an entire demographic, yet it’s something that comes with the job (kind of like celebrity stalkers, papparrazzi, and free gift bags, except, you know, more heart-warming). Everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and it’s only celebrities who are forced to do so on the cover of Us Weekly. I can see how that could be a lot of pressure – lord knows I wouldn’t want some of my not-so-finest moments caught on camera and smeared all over the media. But at the same time, is it really that hard to remember how to put on a pair of underwear?

Come on, celebrities, you can’t control everything but you can control some things, and I’m pretty sure undies fall into the latter category.

I know it’s unfair to ask people to change who they are simply because young people are impressionable, but young people are impressionable. They haven’t learned their own god awful, embarrassing, I-will-never-do-that-ever-again, lessons and I don’t think they should have to just yet.

As you can see I’m still a bit torn. I’m not even sure where I stand on the topic.
What about you? Do you think celebs should be more careful as role models?

[Ever see something you want but don’t have the money to buy? Ever get sick of studying/watching TV and have the urge to get crafty and make things on your own? We know! Us too! We just don’t know where to start, which is why we got some of CollegeCandy’s craftiest writers to share their favorite DIY projects with everyone. So get to your nearest craft store for the essentials and let’s make some fun sh*t.]

The semester is coming to a close and I can’t help but feeling a bit nostalgic. I’ve been going through my photos, reminiscing and getting a little misty that I have to leave these people in just a few more weeks. As I sat in my dorm room, weeping in front of my laptop, I started wondering why I don’t take advantage of all the pictures I’ve accumulated over the years. Of course I have the obligatory photo collage, a few in frames, and a few for the wall of shame, but that doesn’t even make a dent in the Facebook photo albums.

So I’ve been searching high and low for cool new ways to display the shrine of my college years and fell in love with the photo cube. Simple, modern and chic, it looks like something straight out of an Ikea catalogue. But don’t bother buying it because its easy enough to do it yourself.

Materials:

• 6 Photographs (multiples of 6 if you want to make more than one cube)
• Photo paper
• Scissors
• Double sided tape or glue
• Ruler
• Pin (optional)

Steps:

1. Before you print your photos, crop each one into a 4×4 square.
2. Print each photo on 4×6 photo paper, setting your preferences so that your photo will print in the center of the photo paper.
3. Cut the corners off (diagonal cut) the extra inch that is on either side of your photo. This will leave a trapezoid-shaped paper flap on either side of your photo.
4. Slap a piece double-sided sticky tape on each flap, cutting the edges so they are even with (read: the same exact shape as) your trapezoid flaps. Get the tape as close to the actual photo as possible.
5. Here’s the tricky part, you need to lay out your photos in a way that will leave you with a cube. To end up with a cube, you will need to lay them out in a “t” shape (that’s a lower case “t,” people) – a line of 4 photos with 1 photo on either side of  the second photo.  Use this diagram to help figure out the flaps. Make sure you pay attention to what photos will be next to each other.
6. Stick the flaps together. The last few flaps will be the hardest, so try using a pin or knife to get the last pieces stuck together. Be neat! The closer and straighter your lines are, the better it will look.
7. You now have your photo cube. You may want to weigh it down if you’re leaving it on your desk, or you could hang it with some fishing wire. (Note: this also makes a great grad/end-of-the-year gift – personal and oh-so-cheap.)

I’m pretty sure high school was only about four years ago, so I’m left wondering what the hell is going on with teenagers? I don’t mean to sound judgmental or high-and-mighty, because we’ve all been there. We all lived in that place where everything was the end of the world, where drama ran high and there was never, ever enough glitter. But come on, things have gotten a little out of control lately.

Whether high school was the best time of your life or a time you’d rather forget, it’s still a time that we can vividly remember. That being said, I do not remember “the choking game”  being a fun after school activity. I also don’t remember blowing anyone on the back of the bus nor witnessing anyone else performing oral sex on the back of the bus. It just wasn’t happening when I was a teenager.

Teenagers are not my favorite group of people, so I have no problem calling them idiots. Seriously, what are they thinking? Not only are they becoming a group of mini faux-celebretards, but they aren’t doing anything even remotely smart or safe.

Take the latest sexting scandal. I get that you want to flirt with hot guys via fast paced technology; it’s fun, I know that. But maybe you could keep your shirt on? Or even your panties for that matter? That would be smart.

Also, stop drinking at school. Once again, I understand that assemblies are boring, but maybe selling vodka shots out of water bottles isn’t the best way to spice things up. As a college student, I of all people know how much fun boozin’ can be. But once again, let’s be smart, yes? You are underage, you are at school, you do not know your limits, and you are tiny and possibly pre-pubescent. You should not be drinking. You will most likely die and/or get expelled and spend the rest of your life working at Applebees. Stop trying to land yourself in rehab! It’s not as cool as Lindsay Lohan makes it out to be.

I have never felt older and more conservative than I have when I listen to today’s teens. I say this, not because I love them, but because I am going to have to deal with their crap when they “grow up” and graduate. I do not want to land my dream job, only to worry about potentially training these idiots someday. Let it be known that if I find anyone passed out in the bathroom at work, I’m reporting your ass and taking over your cubicle. You’ve been warned.

Whenever we need to make a difficult decision, we make a list. You know, like when we were choosing a school, when we were choosing a date to the first sorority date party, or when we weren’t sure which we loved more: our Prada backpack or our Skechers.

So when are constantly faced with the awful decision of which D-List celebrity is more annoying, we make a list. Yes, this is a decision we feel the need to make on a weekly basis; we have a lot of time on our hands.

Moving on.

This week’s showdown is between none other than our two favoritest of celeretards: Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag. Who will take the d-bag cake? It’s a really difficult decision to make, so let’s break it down.

Music

Paris Hilton founded heiress records and released her first self-titled album, Paris. Her first single “Stars are Blind” was a top ten hit in 17 countries leading to Paris’s Installation of a professional recording studio in her house. More tunes to come. Oy?

Heidi Montag leaked several of her “hits” on the internet including “Body Language,” which features her fiance Spencer Pratt rapping. Her latest single “Touch Me” is now available on iTunes, as is her music video. Both got terrible reviews.

Point: Heidi Montag. Have you seen that music video?

Religion

Paris Hilton converted to Kabbalah for about 5 seconds, giving her the opportunity to sport a little red string bracelet along with the rest of Hollywood.

Heidi Montag loves Jesus and the Bible. We know this because she constantly talks about Jesus and the Bible on her Twitter, to the press, and on The Hills. (Editor’s note: The real question is – can Jesus possibly love her?!)

Point: Paris Hilton. Religion should not be practiced for the purpose of new accessories.

Dating History

Paris Hilton has dated a long line of douche bags including Benji Madden, Cisco Adler, Stavros Niarchos III, Nick Carter, Rick Salomon and, most recently, Doug Reinhardt.

Heidi Montag dated and is currently engaged to “King of the Douchebags,” Spencer Pratt. The couple are set to wed this weekend, maybe for real this time.

Point: Heidi Montag. See “King of the Douchebags” reference. He takes the cake. I just wish it was in his face.

Say What??

Paris Hilton

• “Walmart… Do they, like, sell walls there?”
• “I’m like an American Princess”
• “What’s a soup kitchen?”
• “A true Heiress is never mean to anyone- except a girl who steals her boyfriend”

Heidi Montag

• “God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted and I’m going to get persecuted, you know?”
• “The minute we said our vows I couldn’t stop crying.”
• “I want, like, four [children]. Maybe I’ll adopt ten. I want to have my own orphanage like Mother Teresa.

Point: Paris Hilton. People who think Walmart sells actual walls should not be allowed to be quoted.

Rise to Fame

Paris Hilton became a household name after her adult film “One Night In Paris” was released and continued to grace the screen on “The Simple Life” with Nicole Richie where the two friends tried to accomplish difficult tasks like camping, and shopping at Walmart. She then talked to every major media outlet about her feud with former frenemy and co-star Nicole Richie.

Heidi Montag befriended Lauren Conrad and landed herself a spot on MTV’s “Laguna Beach” and “The Hills.” She also talked to every media outlet about feud with (former?) frememy Lauren Conrad. If Letterman wasn’t enough, Montag also has paparrazzi on speed dial anytime she happens to be running on the beach.

Point: Paris Hilton. While both love to publicly fight with former best friends and enjoy reality TV gigs, it was Paris’s short loved porn career that really earned her this crucial point.

So why aren’t we celebrating?? Get into the spirit! Be environmentally friendly. Throw a party hotter than global warming. Make your friends green with envy. Reduce your work load…. Okay, you get the idea. Now get out there and get ready to celebrate with these Earth Day ideas.

1. Skip the morning shower and go for the hippie-chic look instead.

2. Break out some candles, some home-made booze and throw an Amish theme party! Who conserves energy better than people who don’t believe in it?

3. Reward your favorite eco-hottie with a global-warming make out sesh.

4. Talk the local produce guy into giving you an Earth Day discount, then invite your friends over for an earth-friendly veggie fest.

5. Recycle the mountain of Coors Light cans you’ve been stashing.

6. Make hemp jewelry with your favorite stoner friend.

7. Boycott your classes. Do you know how wasteful college campuses are?

8. Don’t go anywhere you can’t get to on a bike. Work is too far away? Darn, looks like you’ll have to take off for Earth Day.