I have this friend and we call him Douche. I’m not exactly sure where the nickname came from. Nothing about Douche is particularly douche-y, except for the fact that the kid can’t seem to hold his liquor (or a coherent conversation after a few drinks). But he is a fun drunk. He’s adventurous, charismatic and oddly charming …even when he is tripping over his own feet and breaking furniture on semi-accident.

I have never found him particularly attractive, but he …

Some girls lose their virginities to their first loves: some taller, older, handsome man (er, boy) who says I love you and kisses her neck and asks, “Baby, does this hurt?”

Other girls get drunk in basements off Jack Daniels when they’re 14, take off their shirts and find themselves straddling some younger boy on a bed in the corner of some dirty room, only to discover they are being watched by several on-lookers when they receive a swift slap …

In fifth grade, I vowed to say No to Drugs. More correctly, I was forced to vow to say “No”, or I would not be allowed to walk the stage at fifth grade graduation (which would have been social suicide, of course). So, I did, and my little fifth grade self truly believed that I would never take a shot of tequila, smoke a joint and I was absolutely never going to eat fungus that grows on cow sh!@#t. Ever.…

Now, not to brag or anything, but my mama raised me right. I was always taught to say Please and Thank you, excuse myself from the dinner table before getting up to do homework (alright, who am I kidding? It was more to watch MTV, write angsty poetry and/or try to sneak smoking cigarettes out of my basement window) and I always had to be polite. To everybody. Friends, neighbors, strangers, that disgusting kid with bad breath and UFO pants …

This afternoon at approximately 3 p.m. EST, I fell out of love with the Internet.

Our love affair began about ten years ago, when I was roughly ten years old and in the fourth grade. It was a rather blissful decade: I was exposed to the wonders of AOL Instant Messenger in 7th grade, the social networking phenom MySpace in high school (that inspired me to not only chop off all my hair but also get my lip, eyebrow and …

If there is one thing I have learned in life, it’s that you always want what you can’t have. The grass is always greener. There will always be someone with a better wardrobe, a hotter ride and a more impressive resume. Such is life.

So, this weekend I decided that I was going to get a little taste of the other side – the other side of my ex-boyfriend’s door, that is.

I blame it on being a Scorpio. …

In junior high, I wanted pink hair. Actually, maybe wanted isn’t the right word. I was more or less obsessed with having pink hair, and basically anything pink in general.

However, my mother – who let me get my tongue pierced at 14 – thought that Bubblicious-colored locks were just too radical for my upper-middle class suburban town. So I reluctantly settled for a bright, Ronald McDonald shade of red and completely embarrassed myself for the rest of 8th grade.…