(Two girls, looking at each other’s cell phones.)
Girl 1: What does it do?
Girl 2: It doesn’t really work. The battery sucks and I get service, like, nowhere. It cost 80 bucks, and it plays the Tootsie Roll song.
Girl 1: Totally worth it.

(Guy, watching four girls move a table out of an apartment.)
Guy: Hey, uh, can I help you girls with anything?
Girl: Yeah, you can spend nine months carrying unborn humans in your belly for us.

(A bunch of people sitting around a campfire.)
Girl 1: Marshmallows are kinda gross, when you think about it.
Girl 2: I think it’s a good kind of gross. Like tiny, edible fat people.

(Girl and guy, yelling in a noisy gym.)
Girl: Woman climbers usually use their legs more, since they don’t have the same arm strength.
Guy: Yeah. Oh, I get it. You guys always need to be tied up.
Girl: Excuse me?
Guy: Sorry, I’m not sure what you said.

(Two guys on move-out day, carrying cases of beer.)
Guy 1: Man, we’re gonna fill up an entire recycling bin.
RA, poking head out of room: Excuse me?
Guy 2: No, don’t worry, it’s okay. These are full of urine.

(Girl and guy, across dining hall.)
Girl: You’re beautiful! What’s your name?
Guy: Oh, thanks. You’re not very pretty at all.

(Girl, sitting outside a bar, talking with friends.)
Girl: Every single guy in that bar has a gross mustache. Even the ones who don’t.

(Guy on a bus, yelling into his phone.)
Guy: I’m not wearing the orange jacket! I hate PVC! No. Absolutely not! I’ll look ridiculous. I’m going with the checkered.

Girl 1: It’s not like that. If you put anything in a crust, it’s a pie. That’s a pie.
Girl 2: What about cheesecake? Cheesecake has a crust.
Girl 1: No it doesn’t.
Girl 2: Have you ever had cheesecake? Have you even seen a cheesecake? This is a problem, like, for us. For you and me.

(Girl, screaming at someone on the phone.)
Girl: … Everything about you! Everything! You’ve got a receding hairline! You’ve got a… a concave jaw! I can’t stand it!

(Frustrated girl, at a computer.)
Girl: Who is this person? This ‘giant-nasty-rotting-vagina’ person? Wrote the thing about the giant Husky penis?
(Girl reading a paper.)
Girl: I think the world is ending. We all stopped smoking [weed], and suddenly we’re comedians.