While at the airport this week, I observed a woman clutching a scraggly toy-sized dog decked out in a Ralph Lauren polo shirt made for a six-month-old child. Ew. Just because owning an animal is like having a child does not mean that the dog’s fur has stopped acting as its clothing. Now even dogs are subject to the materialism of today’s society.

Maybe it started with Paris Hilton or the talking chihuahua in Taco Bell commercials, but the dog …

Perhaps it’s the sheer volume of people on one concrete island, or that the people are actually more attractive and put-together. Maybe more of the residents are chemically altered more often throughout the day here. Whichever the case may be, New Yorkers are not at all shy about their catcalls, or “hollas,” if you will.

Granted, I’m from the Midwest. I completely missed out on this whole experience during my teen years. Back home, it’s mostly the sketchy old …

For some reason, after a few cocktails, I feel the need to delve into the personal lives of others. I call this tactic an “h-to-h,” or heart-to-heart, whereupon after listening for all of two minutes, I find it appropriate to tell a person how wonderful they are and how they should never settle in life.

Without fail, this innocuous good deed always comes back to bite me in the ass. Something about the road to hell being paved with good …