A few weeks ago I was on the treadmill at the gym watching the preliminary festivities for the Kentucky Derby, when I realized what my life is missing: Giant. Ornate. Hats.

In days of yore, clothing lines were created by people like Jeanne Lanvin, CoCo Chanel, Hubert de Givenchy; people with skill, talent, vision, taste. You know, fashion designers.

But nowadays, it seems like any celeb with some cash and spare time on their hands can slap a few pieces together and call it a collection. And while some lines knock it out of the park (why hello there, L.A.M.B.!), a vast majority fall more in the category of utter hot …

Max weight loss FAST! Melt away belly fat! Lose 30 pounds in 30 days by eating more and exercising less! The Womanizer Diet: Get slim like Britney!

Unless your diet method of choice is a hearty bump of Adderall for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and midnight snack, getting/staying trim is not that easy; however, it’s also not rocket science. As a long time devotee to the business of taking care of my body, I have fully explored the spectrum of ways …

Ah, late fall. Midterms have passed, Halloween decorations festoon every front porch and retail store, piles of red and orange and yellow leaves line the streets, and there’s a lovely crispness to the air, which, before we know it, will turn to terrifying sub-zero wind chill factors and white-out blizzard conditions.

Woot. Woot.

But just because it’s time to put your miniskirt away doesn’t mean you have to start dressing yourself like Estelle Getty (god rest her sassy little Golden …

Japan is a weird place. From its movies to its festivals to its dining habits, the country has a long history of giving birth to some truly bizarre sh*t, then sending it overseas to our eagerly awaiting, comparatively bland Western hands.

The most recent weirdo Eastern trend to show up on American shores is the fashion movement known as Lolita. Despite the fact that is sounds like some filthy daddy-daughter fetish scene, Lolita, according to most enthusiasts, has nothing …

Fact: I love famous men. Love them. No matter what movie or TV show I’m watching or what gossip magazine I’m reading, I can always pick out at least one person that I would totally ride the Sexy Train to Dirtytown with. (Example? The other day I was chatting with my lady friend about the do-ability of Jerry Seinfeld. No joke.)

But despite all their fame and money and ready access to plastic surgery, there are some celebrities that are …

Old panties are a suitable replacement for a mom, right?

This past weekend at a celebrity memorabilia auction in Las Vegas, Larry Birkhead, opportunistic baby daddy extraordinaire, purchased some drawers once worn by the late hot mess Anna Nicole Smith in a Playboy spread.

Birkhead spent a reported $2800 on a pink bustier and white negligee with the intention of someday giving the items to he and Smith’s year-old daughter, Dannielynn. According to one report, Birkhead said he bought …

Something Old: I Heart Huckabees (2004)

Something New: The Happening (2008)

The Connection: Mark Wahlberg, a.k.a. Marky Mark, Funky Bunch ringleader and damn fine panty model

Mark Wahlberg is the sh*t. Born in the ghetto of Boston to a family of eleven, Wahlberg dropped out of school, did a bunch of drugs, got thrown in jail, was crazy ripped upon release, became a heartthrob rapper, modeled for Calvin Klein, started doing some acting, and now produces not one but two …

So, uh, I quit. I quit Master Cleansing.

I tried to talk myself in to sticking it out. I really did. I kept telling myself all the little motivators I mentioned in my last update. I told myself that if all sorts of other people could do it, I damn well could. I told myself that not only were all my friends and family aware I was doing it, but I was broadcasting it on the internet – to quit …

Let it be known that day three of the Master Cleanse really, really blows.

My day started off OK. I woke up in good spirits feeling ready to take on another day without food when I remembered that it was time for my massive morning dosage of salt water. The night before, I had premixed my oral enema and left it next to my bed in the hopes that I would then drink it immediately when I awoke and I …