Giant. Ornate. Hats.

For realzies; Derby-style hats are the sh*t, for multiple reasons. For one, like all hats, they immediately cover a bad hair day. But, Derby hats are so huge and ostentatious, they can also distract from a host of other problems, such as a bad face day (don’t lie to yourself, you know you’ve had one).

That said, in addition to helping to conceal appearance issues, Derby hats are also good for drawing attention in a crowd, because, let’s face it, how often are people wearing hats with two foot brims covered in netting and ribbons and feathers and roses? They’re perfect for meeting friends in a crowded area or helping a blind date pick you out at a bar.

Also, Derby hats = insta-glamour. Whether paired with a frothy tulle ball gown or jeans and a tank top, Derby hats make a lady instantly look fabulously feminine and alluring. Don’t believe me? Watch an Audrey Hepburn movie and then try to tell me megahats aren’t the sh*t.

But the best thing about Derby hats, in my personal opinion, is that in this boring age of fashion functionality and cookie-cutter style, uber-feminine hats are freakin’ fun. Even the so-called “fashion forward” take clothes so seriously and buy the same high-waisted pants/secretary blouses/oversize cardigans/blah blah blah over and over again…let’s get some variety in here, damn it! It’s time to embrace our inner four (or eighty)-year-olds!

In short, I’m bringing back the Derby hat. I expect initial resistance from the general public (i.e. finger-pointing, snickering, maybe some drive-by eggings), but I am a fabulous enough person and it is a fabulous enough item that I’m confident it will eventually catch on.

And if it doesn’t? F**k it. Enjoy your bad face days, suckers.

[Photo courtesy of lovedagoat.net]

But nowadays, it seems like any celeb with some cash and spare time on their hands can slap a few pieces together and call it a collection. And while some lines knock it out of the park (why hello there, L.A.M.B.!), a vast majority fall more in the category of utter hot mess. Below is a sampling of the messiest of the hot messes.

5) The Kardashians: DASH – Oh, Kardashians. Kim becomes famous (?) by hanging out with Paris, nailing Ray J on tape, and having a mega huge ass, and the rest of the family rides on the coattails of her, um, success. Taking this into consideration, I suppose the Kardashian sisters’ line DASH makes sense; tacky, trashy, cookie-cutter and distinctly substandard, DASH looks very much like the $4.99 rack at Forever 21, only the items cost anywhere from 11 to 250 times as much. But I heard that every item is sprinkled with magical butt-expanding powder, so maybe that’s where the mark-up comes in.

4) Travis Barker: Famous Stars and Straps – I don’t like ghetto style. Baby Phat, Ed Hardy, gold tribal embellishments on jeans, air-brush aesthetics, ew. No thank you. But while a line may not suit my tastes personally, I’ll still give it props for being good for what it is (insert a nod to Apple Bottoms). Unfortunately, Travis Barker’s Famous Stars and Straps has the double issue of going for an aesthetic that is inherently fug and is badly done. From an uninspired/outdated logo that’s plastered on EVERYTHING to graphics that scream seventh grade, Famous is the clothing equivalent of the suburbs: generic, boring, and painfully white trying to front like it’s fly.

3) Beyonce: House of Dereon – I remember the first time the truly horrendous designs of the House of Dereon were brought to my attention. Destiny’s Child was still together and the ladies were walking the red carpet at some event, all of them wearing matching green and gold gowns that barely looked classy enough to be worn at the Adult Movie Awards. “Damn,” I thought, “What designer conned them in to wearing those hideous get ups?” Answer: Beyonce’s mom. Since then, Tina Knowles, with the help of her daughter Ms. Fierce, have created season after season of high-end frocks and streetwear that seem to be based on the idea that anything worth doing is worth overdoing. Belts, sequins, ruffles, florals, leopard prints, seams, studs, pockets, buckles, zippers, fur; these ladies rock it all… to the point where pieces look like an explosion at the Jo-Anne Fabrics store. An ugly explosion. An ugly expensive explosion. Boo.

2) Elizabeth Hurley: Beach – So now you know – Elizabeth Hurley makes clothes. But, uh, you’re not missing out on much. Hurley’s resort wear line Beach is pretty much a carbon copy of every Newport News catalog since 1998; we’re talking dumpy Indian-inspired Mandarin-collared kaftans, terry cloth hoodies, a-line polka dot dresses with fringy dangly ball trim…you know, sh*t your mom would wear at the beach over her ruffle-skirted bathing suit. However, as Elizabeth Hurley is one of the hottest people on the planet and is married to a multi-millionaire Indian prince or something, I’m guessing something as trivial as a god-f**king-awful clothing line won’t really set her back much.

1) Tara Reid: Mantra – Candy-bright colors, synthetic fabrics, those plastic Rose Art beads you used to make necklaces out of when you were a kid, and Tara Reid. That pretty much covers it.

Max weight loss FAST! Melt away belly fat! Lose 30 pounds in 30 days by eating more and exercising less! The Womanizer Diet: Get slim like Britney!

Unless your diet method of choice is a hearty bump of Adderall for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and midnight snack, getting/staying trim is not that easy; however, it’s also not rocket science. As a long time devotee to the business of taking care of my body, I have fully explored the spectrum of ways to stay feeling good about my body (that includes eating disorders, which is, helpful hint, not recommended.), and I found that by putting the suggestions I’ve listed below into practice, I actually lost weight in college and have kept it off since, without the aid of prescription amphetamines.

So suck on that, Britney.

Tip 1: Get off your ass

Granted, I will say that I am more of a gym addict than others, but I’m not suggesting running a marathon here. Little things like taking the stairs in your dorm instead of the elevator, or biking to class in lieu of the bus can make a huge difference. And don’t underestimate walking; a friend of mine took a job caddying and lost 25 pounds just from walking around the golf course all day. If you take every opportunity you get to squeeze in a little physical activity, I guarantee you’ll notice a difference. That said, I also recommend penciling the gym into your schedule a few times a week. Both cardiovascular and strength training are essential for peak fitness, and I can tell you from experience that nothing helps to alleviate some of that midterm stress like churning out a few miles on the treadmill.

Tip 2: Make healthy food choices whenever possible

I love to eat, especially crap food. We’re talking chocolate, chips, fries, ice cream – who doesn’t love that stuff, right? But the thing about modern America is that most of us eat it all the time, which is not only unhealthy and gluttonous, but frankly, pretty disgusting. It’s really not hard to eat healthy. The main things to remember are:

- Whole grains, most/all of the time. Seriously, refined carbs are crap. They have no nutritional value, where as whole grains are loaded with fiber, antioxidants, protein, minerals, vitamins and, in my opinion, are much more flavorful. So think whole grain bread, whole grain pasta, brown rice, high-fiber cereals. If nothing else, your digestive system will thank you.

- Fat free/low fat/low cal = good. This tip can be a little iffy because these are not all created equal. Fat free does not always equal low cal and vice versa. However, fat free dairy products such as skim milk and fat free yogurt are always preferable to the straight-out-the-udder variety (unless you’re a newborn calf, which I highly doubt is the case), and the less calories something has, the less calories you’ll have to burn off. See how that works? Science.

Eat fruits and veggies. If you don’t know this by now, I can only assume that you are a deaf, illiterate cave person raised by wolves. Low in calories, high in vitamins, minerals, and basically everything else you should be consuming, fruits and veggies are the Weezer “Blue Album” of the nutritional world; you need that sh*t.

Tip 3: Embrace the Sugar Free.

The jury is kind of out on this point, as many articles on healthy eating will tell you that consuming sugar free items like diet soda will actually make you feel hungrier and therefore more likely to overeat. Also, conclusive studies on the long-term effects of artificial sweeteners such as aspartame and saccharine on the body have yet to be conducted, but from personal experience, I can tell you that when I was writing an essay at 11 pm and was JONESING for something sweet, a Diet Cherry Coke totally did the job and left me feeling not icky/bad about myself. I guess check back with me in 20 years to see if I have brain cancer, but for now I’m stickin’ with Splenda.

Tip 4: Reevaluate your drinking habits.

I’m from the Midwest, so lord knows I know the lure of a good, thick beer, but if you’re pounding back ten to twenty of them 4 days a week, chances are it’s affecting your body. Calorie-wise, liquor with a low cal mixer like diet soda or tonic is a much better option, as is interspersing beverages with glasses of water, which has the added benefit of severely cutting down on your chances of waking up to find yourself sprawled out in an unfamiliar bathtub. For you ladies who don’t want to give up your frosty brew, Michelob Light and Amstel Light are both decent lower cal options that don’t skimp on flavor. Or you could just not drink as much. And, like, give up all your worldly possessions and join a convent. Whatever your steeze is.

Tip 5: Read labels

If you haven’t caught wise to this tip already, you’ll be amazed at what food labels have to tell you. So many foods that claim/appear to be good for you are so totally not. The first thing to check out is the calorie content versus the serving size. If the calorie content seems high in comparison to the serving size (ex: 180 calories in a half cup of granola!), you might want to think it over before digging in, keeping in mind that the recommended daily calorie count for ladies is somewhere around 1800 calories. The second feature to look at is the ingredient list. If one of the first few things listed is refined flour or corn syrup, check out similar products to see if you can’t find something less junky.

I realize that in the high-stress, heavy-drinking, cheap-eats atmosphere of college life, it’s easy to put your body on the back burner. But as a girl who’s been there, I can assure you that if you put these tips in to practice, you’ll discover that exercising a little awareness surprisingly easy, and reaps excellent results both in body and in mind. Stay posi, ladies!

Woot. Woot.

But just because it’s time to put your miniskirt away doesn’t mean you have to start dressing yourself like Estelle Getty (god rest her sassy little Golden Girls soul). There are plenty of ways to bundle yourself against all forms of winter weather while still looking like a hottie.

Layering!

Lucky for all of us who live in the northern reaches of the U.S., layering continues to be all the rage in fashion. Stay warm while rushing between buildings to your next class by wearing multiple light weight pieces on top of each other. Por exemple, a tank top under a long sleeve tee under a cardigan will keep you cozy without making you look like the Michelin Man. Throw on a scarf (another fashion must these days) for even more insulation. On real nippy days, put on some long johns – believe me, those puppies work wonders and fit nicely under most clothing.

Get Russian About It

So I don’t know if you guys know, but Russia is pretty chilly; hence, those f**kers know how to bundle. For serious drops in temperature, think Soviet style: giant fur hats (fake, if you’re broke or a hater), full-length high-collared wool coats, knee-high riding boots. Not only will you be impervious to the cold, you’ll feel like a sexy spy from the 1950s. What more could you want out of life?

Tights!

Though they won’t stand up to truly horrendous weather, tights are a fun way to add color/texture to an otherwise mediocre outfit, and are surprisingly warm. Wear them under a dress or tailored shorts with some boots for the perfect going-out-dancing-but-trying-to-avoid-frostbite-en-route get-up.

Invest in Nice Things

I revel in cheap shopping as much as the next girl (Insert shoutout to Forever. Love you, boo!) but high-quality cold weather items are worth dropping cash on. A nice winter coat will save you months of bitching and misery, and good boots can make the difference between making it to class or deciding to stay home because you can’t face the four inches of snow that fell overnight. If you’re willing to splurge a little, you can easily find items that are both cute and can improve your winter tenfold.

So remember ladies; when the weather gets chilly in the coming weeks, don’t settle for sweatpants tucked in to Uggs. Sexy is for all seasons!

Fact: I love famous men. Love them. No matter what movie or TV show I’m watching or what gossip magazine I’m reading, I can always pick out at least one person that I would totally ride the Sexy Train to Dirtytown with. (Example? The other day I was chatting with my lady friend about the do-ability of Jerry Seinfeld. No joke.)

But despite all their fame and money and ready access to plastic surgery, there are some celebrities that are too terrifying even for a fame skank like myself to consider acceptable. Here’s a rundown of the top five male celebs I’d rather saw my leg off than get nekkid with.

5. Donald Trump

The thing about Donald Trump is, he has a lot of qualities that tend to suck me in. He’s grossly rich, he’s arrogant, he’s ostentatiously tasteless – though I know that these traits aren’t generally recognized as good, I have a total weakness for all of them. But when it comes to Donald? Yuck. In him they’re so pronounced, they make an already unattractive dumpy dude even ickier. Lucky for him, Manhattan is crawling with ladies looking for a free dinner; lucky for me, I’m not one of them.

4. Carrot Top

Carrot Top started out merely as an obnoxious, unfunny comedian with a really crappy name, until one night when he was hit by a drunk truck driver hauling a tankard full of toxic waste. Then Carrot Top started noticing some bizarre changes; the skin on his face started pulling back and tightening, making him look like Joan Rivers; his body shape-shifted from that of a normal man to Guile from Street Fighter; dark rims appeared around his eyes almost like he was inexplicably applying obvious dark eye makeup to his pale-ass Irish complexion. He had evolved from Carrot Top to Super Carrot Top, King of the Startlingly Clown-Like ‘Roided Up Creeps. Truly terrifying.

3. Dr. Phil

Folksy colloquialisms delivered in an irritating Southern accent? Check. Completely self-righteous attitude? Check. Host of a totally white trash talk show masquerading as legit programming? Check. Yep, Dr. Phil meets all the necessary criteria to be shot off into space, never to return. Oh, and he’s crazy unsexy.

2. Michael Jackson

So obvious, he almost shouldn’t be on the list. But the fact that he is attests to what an awful awful horrorshow he is. Think about him being in your bed. Do it. I dare you.

1. Weird Al Yankovic

Song parodies may be my least favorite thing in the world, and Weird Al has been bringing them to the semi-mainstream for, like, as long as I’ve been alive. And I’m sure he’s a really nice guy, and I know that nerdiness is part of his shtick, but this dude’s decades of sporting the worst hair/glasses combo ever while singing about lasagna to the tune of “La Bamba” has earned him the number one slot on this list, putting him ahead of Michael Jackson. Some might call it the highest achievement of his career. And some are absolutely correct.

This is just a small selection from the vast pool of individuals who deserve to make this list – I welcome you to chime in with your own nominees.

This past weekend at a celebrity memorabilia auction in Las Vegas, Larry Birkhead, opportunistic baby daddy extraordinaire, purchased some drawers once worn by the late hot mess Anna Nicole Smith in a Playboy spread.

Birkhead spent a reported $2800 on a pink bustier and white negligee with the intention of someday giving the items to he and Smith’s year-old daughter, Dannielynn. According to one report, Birkhead said he bought the items in the hope that they will someday help Dannielynn understand her mother’s life and that this was definitely NOT a stunt to ensure his F-List ass stays in the papers. For realzies, guys. Make sure you get my good side.

That poor, poor, poor, poor kid. First her mother and brother die, then she’s in the middle of the most sleazeball custody battle of the 21st century, now she’s gifted a piece of her mom’s history as a trashy soft-core porn star? If Dannielynn makes it to the age of fourteen without getting knocked up or becoming a crackhead, she deserves a Nobel Prize.

[Photo courtesy of OK! Magazine]

Something New: The Happening (2008)

The Connection: Mark Wahlberg, a.k.a. Marky Mark, Funky Bunch ringleader and damn fine panty model

Mark Wahlberg is the sh*t. Born in the ghetto of Boston to a family of eleven, Wahlberg dropped out of school, did a bunch of drugs, got thrown in jail, was crazy ripped upon release, became a heartthrob rapper, modeled for Calvin Klein, started doing some acting, and now produces not one but two excellent award-winning television shows. Seriously, how rags-to-riches American dream can you be? Plus, he’s crazy hot.

I repeat, Mark Wahlberg is the sh*t. His new movie, The Happening, however, is not.

This is not Wahlberg’s fault. The Happening’s crappiness can be attributed 100% to the film’s writer and director, M. Night Shyamalan. Inspired by such cinema classics as The Birds and Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Happening is the story of a mysterious disease (of sorts) spreading across the East Coast, causing the infected to become disoriented and commit suicide. People begin fleeing the urban areas where the outbreaks first occur and head to the country, only to find that they’re not safe anywhere. (Dun dun DUNNN!)

There are a lot of reasons I don’t like The Happening. For one, M. Night Shyamalan made it. Sure, The Sixth Sense was stellar, but the following four movies are all sh*t for the same reasons The Happening is s*it: the personal relationships between the main characters are schmaltzy; the plot device, while vaguely interesting in and of itself, is overwrought and poorly executed; and the climax is, well, oddly anticlimactic.

And the writing. Good god. It’s so forced and awkward that one almost has to wonder if Shyamalan did it intentionally as some kind of homage to old-school B-movies made in the same vein as The Happening. And if that’s the case, then why in the hell is the movie so serious? For realz, The Happening has such potential to be a fun and thought-provoking apocalypse film, it’s just made exactly wrong in every way. Even our man Wahlberg, who is lovely and charming and great in everything, comes off as uncomfortable and cheeseball as the film’s protagonist. Muddled, boring, and overdone; I think I can honestly say that The Happening has no redeeming qualities.

At the other end of the spectrum is I Heart Huckabees. Released a few years ago (I know, not that old, so sue me), Huckabees is an original and provocative study in existentialism best described in the words of the film’s writer and director David O. Russell:

“Dustin Hoffman and Lily Tomlin are existential detectives who you could hire to investigate the meaning of your life. They are formal, they wear suits, they are Paris-trained and their clients include Jude Law, Naomi Watts, Jason Schwartzman, and Mark Wahlberg. Their nemesis is Isabelle Huppert. Hilarity ensues.”

Basically, this movie is flawless. The storyline, though decidedly madcap, is cohesive and engaging, the dialogue is hilarious, the visuals are stunning and well-executed, and the soundtrack is perfect. And while the entire cast is excellent, Wahlberg is at his neurotic babeasaurus best as Tommy, the disillusioned fireman who rides his bike to fires because of his dislike of petroleum-usage. I have never met anyone who didn’t enjoy this movie, and if I ever do they’ll be expelled from my life immediately.

BOTTOM LINE:

The Happening – Bad. Not good. I doubt that even the most hardcore of Shyamalan fans will dig this film.

I Heart Huckabees - Could I possibly gush any more about this movie? Rent it. NOW.

I tried to talk myself in to sticking it out. I really did. I kept telling myself all the little motivators I mentioned in my last update. I told myself that if all sorts of other people could do it, I damn well could. I told myself that not only were all my friends and family aware I was doing it, but I was broadcasting it on the internet – to quit would mean failure, and everyone would know.

But then I went to the gym. And I’m totally one of those sick people who genuinely enjoys the gym. I love to sweat, use my muscles, feel all strong and healthy and accomplished. And when I found myself sprawled out on the workout mats, head all fuzzy and discombobulated, too tired and pissed off to do a crunch or run on the treadmill, I thought, this is totally moronic. I’m miserable. I don’t care if I’m so loaded with fucking toxins that I mutate in to the Incredible Hulk, this Master Cleanse sh*t has got to stop.

So, I gathered up my stuff, walked out of the gym, walked to the closest cafe, bought a parfait, and f*%king chowed down. And it was AWESOME. Immediately, everything turned around. I was cheerful, happy, energetic, ready to run on the treadmill and hang out with my boyfriend and paint my room and do all the things that seemed utterly insurmountable while I was living off of f*%king syrup and lemon juice.

Believe me, I know it seems absurd that realizing eating is good was a revelation for me. But in theory the Master Cleanse sounded like such a great idea. Clean out your system! Rid yourself of all your ailments! Reset your body! And honestly, I talked to a number of people who did it and gave it rave reviews. But now I know that these people a) are superheroes, or b) have something profoundly wrong with them. Honestly.

Maybe if I had stuck it out for, like, one more day I would have reached the point where I could have ridden it out, but damn. Every day, it just got worse; I only got more pissed off and had less of a will to get out of bed. It wasn’t even like I was craving food, because I wasn’t, really. I was just exhausted and my brain was all messed up. I was obsessed with the Cleanse; it was all I could think about. Attempts at higher-level thinking, like decision-making or, say, processing something I had just read were damn near impossible. It was like I hadn’t slept in days, when really, sleeping was almost all I was doing.

I will say, though, that I’m glad I tried it. It’s something I needed to experience first hand, and if I had never done it, I would still believe all those people saying it’s glorious. Plus, even though I didn’t do it for the full duration, I still did get some of the benefits. Like, I haven’t wanted an energy drink at all, which just proves that my addiction to them is all in my head. And by not eating for a few days I’ve realized that a lot of times when I eat I’m not even hungry; it’s just force of habit. And I’ve learned that, if need be, I can toss back a quart of salt water, which I’m sure will make me some money somewhere down the line. (“No. No WAY you can chug that. I’ll give you ten bucks if you do.”)

Final conclusions about the Master Cleanse? Here’s what I’ve determined. Sure, it cleans out your body, to some degree, because you’re not putting anything in it. I don’t know about flushing out years worth of built up toxins or whatever, but your colon and intestines are probably squeaky clean. However, a similar effect could be achieved by drinking a fiber shake every morning, if you’re that concerned about it. And as someone mentioned in the comments on my first post about the Cleanse, you do have a new appreciation for food when you’re done because you haven’t had any in TEN DAYS.

And all those euphoric feelings and high energy levels that people reported having while on the Cleanse are probably result of being half-starved and running solely on maple syrup. Thinking about it now, I really can’t believe that consuming only that mixture seemed like a good idea. I get carried away sometimes.

So I guess that’s it. Like I said, I’m glad I did it, I learned some things, but the bottom line is, I need food. Period.

And Stanley Burroughs is a f*%king nutjob.

[That delectable photo is courtesy of cookingdonelight.com]

My day started off OK. I woke up in good spirits feeling ready to take on another day without food when I remembered that it was time for my massive morning dosage of salt water. The night before, I had premixed my oral enema and left it next to my bed in the hopes that I would then drink it immediately when I awoke and I would be so out of it that I wouldn’t fully realize what I was doing. And it worked. At least, a third of the way through it, it worked.

After that I was left to choke down the rest, and though it proved to be more effective than yesterday, I came to the conclusion that a belly full of salt water is no way to kick things off. Tomorrow I’ll be entrusting my a.m. colon purge to Chocolate Smooth Moves; because I’m already struggling to find reasons to wake up in the morning without that staring me in the face.

So, after that I got dressed and left my house for a day of work in Brooklyn, armed with 5 servings worth of the lemonade. I got to the studio where I work and took a seat, pounded a lemonade, and started on my usual tasks. Then someone dropped something and I nearly fell out of my chair reaching for it. Then it happened again. Then I spent about five minutes staring at the materials before me, trying to remember what exactly I was supposed to be doing. Then I stood up to walk to the bathroom and was struck by how limp I felt. By 2 p.m. I had finished all of my lemonade and I knew there was no way I’d make it back to my apartment if I stayed until the end of the day, so I ducked out early in an attempt to avoid going into hypoglycemic shock on the train.

By the time I got home, I was starving and very, very irritable. I drank two glasses of lemonade mixed with some digestive supplements I picked up from Whole Foods on the way home (which, I learned from some research online, are a highly recommended addition to the Cleanse) and sat on the couch, trying to rally my energy to make it to the gym.

Eventually I forced myself into my gym clothes and out the door. On the walk to the gym I considered calling people back who had called me during the day, but I realized that I had no desire to make friendly chit chat with anyone. I got to the gym and managed to churn out my entire usual workout, and felt surprisingly chipper when I was done. Endorphins are amazing.

I walked into my apartment to find my roommate and his girlfriend eating homemade burritos and drinking beer. He looked up guiltily and apologized for the food being everywhere, to which I replied, “Dude, don’t worry about it. Just because I’m not eating doesn’t mean no one else can. It’s my choice.”

Which, I guess is the whole point, and the most irritating part of this little endeavor. I could quit, literally, any time. I could have dug into the rice and black beans and veggies on the stove and it would have been over, plain and simple. And I wouldn’t die, and the world wouldn’t end, I would have just given up on a rather unscientific diet developed by a borderline crack-pot with mediocre-at-best writing skills. But for some reason, I keep trying to convince myself to persevere.

Just wait until the first few days are over, then see. Just wait until you run out of syrup and then you can think about stopping. Just aim for a week; sevens days are certainly better than nothing. Even though the Master Cleanse is interfering with my social life and my work and my immediate happiness, I keep holding on, though I can’t pinpoint why. Is it the genuine desire to rid my body of the toxins Stanley Burroughs tells me are lurking in it? Is it the sense of competition – that if others can do it I certainly can? Is it to experience how my body feels after fasting 10 days? Is it to renew my sense of taste and my body’s response to food?

I suppose it’s a mish-mash of all of the above. I just wonder if it’s enough to keep me going until next Friday.

Immediately after guzzling the truly foul concoction, I supposedly had an hour in which I would be pooping my brains out. As I had developed a stomach ache and was kind of hating life, I opted to spend this hour taking a nap, during which I had a dream that I was eating a Subway Veggie Sub, only to realize halfway through that I was supposed to be Master Cleansing and got really pissed at myself. I woke up starving and made myself a lemonade, then promptly fell back asleep. I woke up at 12:15 in the afternoon without having pooped at all, nor having any need to.

Well, at least I drank all that salt water.

The rest of my day was pretty much spent drinking the lemonade and napping or lounging about because I was totally exhausted. The only time I left the house was to go to the gym where I did my normal workout, but took half an hour longer than usual to do it because of all the breathers I had to take. Later I attempted to leave the house to go to a viewing of a film my roommate had worked on, but felt so beat I decided it was a pointless endeavor and watched a while lot of Comedy Central instead.

Throughout the day, my feelings about the Master Cleanse fluctuated wildly. One moment I was thinking that it was insane and there was no way it could possibly be good for me, then I’d remember all the rave reviews I had heard about it from others, then I’d think that food is awesome and not eating is not and I was totally over it, then I’d tell myself to take it one step at a time and I was feeling fine at the moment, wasn’t I? And really, when I thought about it, that was the truth; while I was tired and had moments of extreme hunger (namely while on the treadmill), and wasn’t exactly Miss Social Suzy Sunshine, I didn’t feel all that bad. I was surviving just fine.

Burroughs and the people I talked to who actually did it all report that the first few days of the Cleanse are the worst. Burroughs attributes this to all the toxins being loosened and floating around your body, where as I’m more inclined to think that it’s because you’re used to eating food and when you’re Master Cleansing you’re, uh, not doing that. But I DO have a sore throat…perhaps triggered by evil body-harming toxins that were previously lying dormant in my lymph nodes? Or merely a result of drinking copious amounts of lemon juice and cayenne pepper? Tough call.

For now, I’ve made a deal with myself that I have to tough out at least the first four days, and then see how I’m feeling. Baby steps, yo.

I just hope I poop soon.